King Friday Attribute Ratings

Championships - silver star: tournament champion, gold star: WSEM champion, gold triangle: division pennant
League averages - CON: 77, PWR: 77, PIT: 75, DEF: 79, OVR: 77 Team attribute ratings were determined by averaging the individual ratings of the four members of the WSEM Front Office's Tactical Media Wing. Contact (CON), power (PWR), pitching (PIT), and defense (DEF) were studied to determine overall (OVR) team rating. The thin bars included are the league average for each attribute. This writeup for King Friday is provided by Carl Coffee.

King Friday captain Richard Hurd once quoted something along these lines: “You start winning games when you stop having fun.” Richard isn’t concerned about wins or losses, he just enjoys having a team. This team isn’t predicted to do much, as most people I talked to have them winning anywhere from 0-2 games. They will be fun to play though, and they do actually have some bright spots. Adam Cosby doesn’t show up to a lot of games, but he will be the team’s best pitcher when he does. Ryan Hurd Jr. is the team’s young stud, and will be one of their best hitters. Their rookie, Rich Beach, is in his 40s, and he could be the next Roy Hobbs.

King Friday’s ratings aren’t pretty. They are in last place in all four categories, finishing with an overall rating of 47. Contact (45), Power (42), and Pitching (41) are obviously their weakness, but they do have a semi-decent rating for Defense at 62. The 2012 King Friday roster, which is very similar to this year's, was very impressive on the defensive side and the raters put a lot of stock in that. At the end of the season there won’t be a Cinderella story with this team. They won’t shock the world and slip into the playoffs. They will probably get crushed a lot. They will have fun though, and if they do upset someone to get their first win, you better believe it will be a fun sight to see.

In the Cards '13 - #4: Jason Hewlett

Jason Hewlett has something to show you. Yes, it is his nipple... and more. He moonlights as a stripper,* and utilizes the tools of that trade in his game. Jason's most popular, and daring, maneuver on the field is to do a pole dance on the bat while the pitcher starts his wind-up, spin out of it, land elegantly and then take a powerful swing. Pitchers routinely hang a breaking ball, amazed at the erotic show they are being given: 5 of Jason's 6 HR this season have come when using this technique. He also features a deep repertoire of seductive bends, flashes, and thrusts. Easily distracted fielders are frequently seen glassy-eyed and drooling as they stare at Hewlett in the box. Occasionally, you even catch one digging through his pockets for singles. This has led to a career high in hits just halfway through the season. On the mound Jason has been known to utilize body glitter to all its advantages. Dazzled batters have been seen falling on swings, frozen in their fantasies, and - on at least one occasion - running out to the mound instead of first base. Hewlett has successfully parlayed his riveting after-hours gig into being a top-ten player in WSEM; now he just needs to find a way to turn his before-hours game into as big a money-maker.

* According to a tip provided by Hewlett's now-teammate Jason "other Jason H." Hollister, who would not share his stage name.

Career Stats
Batting	AB	H	BB	2B	3B	HR	SF	R	RBI	SB	CS	AVG	OBP	SLG
* 2013:	33	12	13	1	0	6	0	15	17	0	0	.364	.543	.939
2012:	90	9	32	1	0	3	0	9	10	-	-	.100	.336	.211
2011:	59	10	21	2	1	1	0	10	6	-	-	.169	.387	.288
Pitching	G	IP	R	H	BB	K	W	L	S	SB	CS	ERA	WHIP
* 2013:	5	18.1	15	18	19	36	2	2	0	1	0	4.09	2.02
2012:	7	30.1	9	26	16	40	1	4	0	-	-	1.48	1.38
2011:	14	51	59	83	44	79	3	8	0	-	-	5.78	2.49
* As of 6/13/2013

All the King's Men

		Your Junk my Happy Zone
		by Brandon Corbett

King Friday came into 2013 with high hopes. A new pitching staff led by an ace in Adam Cosby, an improved batting lineup with Mike Myers at its heart, Nick Coffee anchoring a steady defense, and a cache of savvy veterans filling out the roster. It looked like a no-brainer that they would rally off many more wins than the one on-field victory - or even the six including forfeits - that Friday had last season. They set these aspirations on a great wall, and as the rhyme says, they had a great fall.

Two of four returning King's men were off the roster before the season began. Their spots were filled by Matt Murtha and Mark Myers. A third returning player followed without playing a game two weeks in, leaving only captain Hurd from the original King Friday roster. Around this time is when Carl and Hurd began working the front office angles for which both are well known. John Sharlow was picked up off the street for the Westside series in week two and has become a full-time part of the roster. Soon after, as should be expected with two of the most trade-happy captains in history now under one roof, a deal was worked out with the Islanders to move Matt Murtha - who had been Friday's workhorse on the mound - to Belle Isle and bring Jason Hewlett - who is having a good season on the mound and at the plate - to King Friday. Most recently, during their week four bye week, Carl once again worked his famous Craigslist magic and brought Denzil Bursey on board, assuming Mark Myers' spot.

Got that? All in all the King has enlisted thirteen men, nine of them have taken the field, eight are currently on the roster, just five have been there from the start of the season, and only two - the Coffee brothers - have appeared in every series. So, the King's throwing a lot of men. To labor that pun: six different pitchers have taken the mound in eight games. Cosby, the ace, has yet to make his debut, but is scheduled to do so tomorrow against Belgian. While it may not have worked for the group in the rhyme, perhaps a horse is just what Friday needs to put this season back together again. Cosby had great numbers in 2012: 0.63 ERA and 90 K in 55.2 innings. Running that out there every other game can be a huge boost to a team.

After all the new signings do mesh very well with Friday's carefree, whimsical approach to the game. Win or lose, fun is never lacking in their clubhouse. In many ways the trade is also a homecoming for Hewlett, who is now reunited with two former Seals teammates, Cosby and Myers. The three of them can make a solid core with Cosby's pitching alongside the bats of Myers (.333, 2 HR, 7 RBI) and Hewlett (.391, 3 HR, 12 RBI). Especially when you also bring into the mix what Nick Coffee and Sharlow have shown defensively. The season may have cracked early, but King Friday now has the right men - and a good horse - in place to patch it up and see about setting more than just their aspirations back up on that great wall.

Marching to April

		A Cup of Nick Coffee
		by Nick Coffee

As the Michigan sky turns from gray to blue. The snow melts, as it was never welcomed in the first place. Winter ending and spring only a couple weeks away, wiffle ball is on all of our minds. I find myself so excited that I browse the Internet for ideas to make our field the best in the league. I'm starting to plan blueprints for an eye-catching strike zone. I even write, well, these articles when I really should be working. I got a fever. And the only prescription is more wiffle ball.

I moved back to Michigan from Florida last year in May and the weather was already perfect. I heard from family and friends that it was a very mild winter with almost no snow. I wish that was the case this year. Those occasional 60-degree days that we sporadically have urge us to head outside and throw the ball around. I can't wait for those days to come. I finally watched first spring training game on television this year. Even though it was pretty boring, it got me really excited to listen to a real game on the way to our wiffle ball games and, while playing, ask every 10-15 minutes "What's the score?" to the closest guy with an iPhone.

Weird headband tan lines

Now that I'm part of King Friday I don't have much of an opinion as a team representative anymore. My brother isn't the captain and I don't really know all the guys on my team. I'm still online every chance I have looking up different field dimensions and fencing to make our field spectacular. I haven't even seen the space yet; I don't even know what city it's in! Carl and I have drawn up different ways to make something different with our home run fence. With a King Friday theme, we've toyed around with a castle or train somewhere. I don't know how well that will work though. I'm also looking at a unique way to make our strike zone. I don't want to give anything away, but if I do end up doing what I want, it will be extremely unique and one-of-a-kind. Corbett wants me to attach a firework launcher on the back of it... We'll see about that.

I love playing MLB: The Show with Carl, but I'm sick of sitting on the couch all day. I want to get outside. I want to sweat and get a weird headband tan line. I want to come into work Monday morning so sore I can barely walk. I'm pumped to start this season! When I get excited about something, I get a little obsessed. I will spend money, time, and labor to make our field spectacular. We may not be the best team on paper, but after you play us you will not forget playing King Friday.

The Biggest Surprise of Week One

		Your Junk my Happy Zone
		by Brandon Corbett

The biggest surprise of Week One was not the two perfect games thrown by the Wicked Aces number three and four pitchers, and it sure as hell was not the Squirrels continuing to squeak out one-run games. You could make an argument for the Donkeys sweeping their two-game series with the Mattseals after hearing the Warriors contingent would not be present. But, no. The most shocking, unbelievable, out-of-thin-air thing to happen in Week One was undeniably the way King Friday arrived at the Zoo to make their debut!


Arvie did not want to leave the trolley,
Brandon admires their landing.This is a story that has to start from the beginning... or at least on Thursday, because that is when the plan was set in motion. Richard Hurd knew his team needed an amazing splash entrance to make their debut in WSEM; something that - no matter what happened this season - nobody would ever not immediately think of King Friday when thinking of Wiffleball. So, a series of letters were funneled through a delivery man willing to ignore protocol for a few extra nickels, and the plan to shame all other plans was hatched. Just before dawn on Sunday the members of King Friday snuck into the house where an old-war-vet-turned-sweater-wearing-shoe-changing-know-it-all was not asleep in the other room, because he inexplicably spends his nights elsewhere across town and always comes home to awaiting children in the morning, through a side-door left open by the delivery man. They had the run of the joint, but knew they had to hurry. Immediately, they got the trolley running and were swept into the Land of Make Believe where the real King Friday was waiting, bags packed with the magic, ready to get out of this prison of a hole in the wall. Minutes later the bright red trolley had been make-believed to human size, with King Friday and the members of the King Friday team on board, as it burst out of the front door with a full head of steam toward New Hudson, MI. Actually, they were pointed in the direction of Norfolk, but they fixed that quickly.


Tristan found the landing a bit rough.They made good time, cruising along Grand River as the Wicked Aces and Donkeys played in the third inning. Then, the puppet slammed on the breaks! Before them was a mountain of Michigan proportions: towering 200, maybe 300 feet above them! They had not accounted for lofty terrain in their plan. The Puppet King told the team not to worry in his slow timbre, had them all close their eyes and begin to make believe a way to get them up onto the plateau above. Boom! There were enormous balloons floating above, attached to the trolley that started to lift. Not enough, though. Poof! A giant propeller hat on the front of the roof, spinning wildly and the team was up and away! The ride was shaky and unstable at first, then all of a sudden all of the players found themselves adorned with propeller hats for attitude control. Altitude, check. Stability, check. King Friday along with the puppet King Friday were soon brilliantly floating above the field, and their presence caused the Donkeys defense to completely forget about a fly ball. A couple minutes, a few popped balloons, and some trial and error later King Friday had secured their place in history with the classiest, most unbelievable entrance for a team's debut ever. The puppet King along with captain Richard Hurd later lamented that very entrance used up all their make believe power, and was the reason they found themselves on the wrong end of two perfect games; "Oh well," they said in unison, "well worth it!"

Team Tuesdays: King Friday

by Richard Hurd

No one on the King Friday team has ever played a game of Wiffleball, nor would anyone with any prior experience be allowed to be. My sole purpose of joining the league is to dominate it with rookies. Everyone on the team is a fierce competitor and will only be happy with a playoff berth. A little about myself: Richard A. Hurd, captain of King Friday. I played eight years of organized baseball and softball, and made the all-star team all eight years. I also played three years of high school football and played varsity all three years. Taking a look at me you may find that hard to believe; I am a big guy and way out of shape, but I love to win and almost always find a way to do so. Beer pong has been my game for the last 3 years, as well as the game of most of the players on my team. I have won a large amount of money playing organized pong and have beaten some of the best players in the country. Playing pong is how I came to know Carl Coffee and in turn how I came to learn about this Wiffle league. It is hard to make predictions not having seen any of the teams in the league play, but myself and most of the players on the team have dominated every activity we have ever tried. So, if near the end of the season we do not at least still have a chance to make the playoffs, I would see the season as a complete failure. I would expect King Friday to have two or three players make the All-Star team. I do not know what the home run record is,1 but whatever it is it will not be the same after I am done. We are old-school ballers, we played ball when most of this league was still watching Teletubbies. We win no matter what it is. Wiffle Ball will be no different; King Friday will have 14-20 wins, depending on how quickly we get acclimated to the league. I would guess it will be to the higher end of that scale. I know only a few members of the league: Carl Coffee, Ryan Bullard, John Hill and Jason Matt. Having played beer pong against all of them, I can honestly say I am not at all worried about making the playoffs if they are any measure of the talent in WSEM! 1 The HR record is 17, set by Joey DeLano.