Team Tuesdays: Ass Kickers

Sometimes game imitates name. When Michael Constanti signed his team up for their first wiffle tournament, the 2010 Flag-a-Palooza, he made a statement to the effect of, “I don’t care about team names much, just winning on the field. So, just give us a kickass team name.” And so they came to be the Kickass Team. Their roster was culled from softball leagues, so everyone expected them to bring big bats and put up impressive offensive stats. No one knew what they would be able to do on the mound. So, would this be a case of game imitating name?

Well, when the day started for the Kickass Team they seemed to be playing right by into our expectations, going 1-2 in round robin play. The softballers put up respectable offensive numbers: two players above the tournament average for AVG and SLG, with a third right at the average, and nine home runs on the day. Brian Constanti was the team’s best performer with a .500 AVG, .921 SLG, and four home runs. They juggled pitching duties between three of their players: the brothers Constanti and Ryan Davis. Michael and Ryan both had a hard time finding their way around the mound, walking more than they struck out and losing in their efforts. It looked as though offense alone wouldn’t be enough to live up to the name… but then Brian took the mound.

The Ass Kickers bring the big bats and long balls with
them from the softball diamond to the wiffleball field.

At the perfect moment Brian Constanti took on the pitching duties for his team, and brought the kickass into the Kickass Team. He put up pitching stats that were even more dominating than his offensive numbers: 0.34 ERA, 1.34 WHIP, 42 Ks in 29 IP, a 5-1 record, and the tournament championship. What might be most impressive is that Brian has this dominance with one stand-out pitch. He throws a cut fastball with good velocity and crippling accuracy; the pitch is always in on the hands of righties and cuts 4-6 inches late, giving him control over the inner third of the plate, forcing defensive swings. Weak hits, tips into the board for Ks, as well as good old fashion swing and miss Ks are the usual fare when in the box against Brian.

Hard and in on the hands: a good example of Brian's pitching style.

For 2011 there will be some makeover for the team. First, they are taking the soccer out of their name, changing to the Newport Ass Kickers. Also, they are in the process of shaking up their lineup. So far the Ass Kickers are only returning three players from last year’s roster for 2011, the Constanti brothers and James Harris, but Michael is already proclaiming the Ass Kickers as the team to beat, predicting a championship run, and heralding Brian’s dominance as WSEM’s number-one pitcher. [Edit: Damien Rogers has been picked up from the Commandos to provide another everyday, consistent bat in the Ass Kickers' lineup.] Last year’s Flag-a-Palooza was their first experience with competitive wiffleball, so their numbers will likely improve across the board. If that is the case and their championship wasn’t just “rookie luck,” then the guys hailing from Newport are definitely going to be one of the teams atop the standings, living up to their captain’s hype, and playing game like their name: Ass Kickers.

This just in at five o’clock: Captain Constanti is considering a name change to the Newport Yankees. If this development happens and their game does imitate name, they’ll obviously command all of the media attention to over hype mediocre on the field performance and elitist off the field stunts. So, let’s hope the imitation won’t extend to such an instance for these guys; they deserve better!

Team Page: http://wiffleinsemiteams.blogspot.com/2011/01/newport-ass-kickers.html

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Brandon Corbett

Flying Squirrels, 17, SS

Chairman of Electronic Oversight