WSEM mock-fantasy-parody-alternate reality Draft

		Your Junk my Happy Zone
		by Brandon Corbett

It is NFL Draft Day, so I thought we could have some fun with a "what if WSEM had a draft?" alternate reality. We floated the idea of a draft and free agency toward the end of last season and were met with rousing disdain. So, never you worry, we have no plans on the furthest of horizons to actually instate a real-life draft to improve parity across the league. However, alternate universes are not held to this and are ripe for parody! The order for this "what if...?" draft - Hold on. This needs an actually name... What if Something Else Meandered (WSEM) Draft.

Okay, the order for this What if Something Else Meandered (WSEM) Draft will be the two expansion teams in the reverse order they joined (tenth team first, ninth second) to open, then last season's eighth through first seeds. The Donkeys are considered to be the Warriors franchise, and Whiteford a relocation of the Ass Kickers. The players available in the draft will be all the rookies, who conveniently have * rookie * next to their name on the team pages; rookie captains will not be availabe, though. Also, I am only going to run through the first two rounds, and will flip the draft order fantasy sports style in the second round; so, feel free to consider this a mock-fantasy-parody-alternate reality draft.

Here we go! Commissioner Coffee is stepping up to the podium!

1st Round

 1) King Friday

Captain Richard Hurd expressed great excitement over the chance to select between so many rookies, as those are the athletes he wants to take on his Cinderalla championship run. Without further ado... with the first pick in the WSEM mock-fantasy-parody-alternate-reality Draft King Friday takes Adam Cosby, P [real-life team: Jason Mattseals]. After the pick, Hurd explained the reasoning for the pick, "I felt Adam would make a great fit on King Friday, due to the successful run The Cosby Show had during the time most of this league was watching King Friday on Mr. Rogers Neighborhood." Cannot argue with that pick, Rich.

 2) Manchester Punchouts traded to Donkeys for #8 and #13 picks

Evan Bortmas wanted more than two picks in this draft and was worried that the picks he wanted may all be gone by his 19th pick in the second round. He knew his #2 pick could entice some teams with mid-to-late round picks into trading both of their picks for it. He was right; Joe Seto of the Donkeys has a full roster of veterans and was only interested in one or two players; he did not want to risk them being off the board by #8.


So, with the number two pick in the WSEM mock-blah-blah-blah Draft the Donkeys select (Kyle) "Ladainian" Tomlinson, OF [real-life team: Belgian Wiffles]. Joe commented after, "well, I should have checked a little more before making the pick to see if it was the LT, but I still like the pick. Kyle has speed and that will go a long way with the Donkeys... Besides we can still make a couple bucks on forged autographs, I bet."

 3) Jason Mattseals

With the third pick the Jason Mattseals select Mike Myers, OF/P [real-life team: Jason Mattseals]. Captain Greg Franzen offered his reasoning, "Jason (Hewlett) and I both just had this feeling that we were meant to take Mike, like for some cosmic reason he was meant to play on our team. ... And we didn't want to risk leaving Wayne's World on the board for some jokester like Hurd or Grant, who's right behind us, to snag up!"

 4) Campus Commandos

Adam Grant knows a thing or two about marketing, and he knows that the real key to success of an athlete is how well the public eats them up. It is all about getting the eyes on you, and nothing gets more eyes than a superhero or giant monster blockbuster. With that tease and the number four pick in the WSEM words go here Draft the Campus Commandos choose Logan Zigila, aka "the Silver Surfer", "Wolverine", or "Godzilla", OF [real-life team: Manchester Punchouts. Logan definitely brings the name and the power to bring to the Commandos, who will unleash him and all his aliases on downtown Detroit.

 5) Whiteford Wicked Aces

Austin and Joel were disappointed with the Commandos selection at #4 as they wanted Zigila to address their team's perceived absence of power. Undeterred, the pair took only three minutes (two-and-a-half of which were spent in a McD's drive thru) to weigh the remaining options on their board. With a mouthful of fries Joel made the call to Commissioner Coffee, and with the fifth pick in the WSEM draft the Whiteford Wicked Aces take David Castle, P [real-life team: Belgian Wiffles]. The Aces front office decided to play the game and hoard pitching talent, further deepening their rotation. The pop in David's bat as well as Eureka's Castle, for Evan Bischoff's benefit, were also factors in the Aces decision.

 6) Belgian Wiffles

During pre-draft interviews David Buhr focused on a series of direct questions: "how many waffles do you eat in a sitting?", "are you a syrup or powdered sugar guy?", "what's your favorite syrup flavor?", "you prefer pancakes? Well, thank you for your time. Goodbye." During these interviews what he was really focusing his attention on, though, was how fun was the name to yell out after a great play or as the player walked up to the plate. He would try multiple variations in his head, and conclude the interview when he ran out of ideas or decided he could not work with the name. Some might argue you build a winner with talent, but David believes the key to bringing out the best talent is all in the hype up. So, with the sixth pick in the WSEM m-f-p-a.r. Draft the Belgian Wiffles select Tristan Birotte, P/OF [real-life team: King Friday]. Buhr justified his pick by saying, "the way a two-syllable name builds up into a three-syllable name ending on a long vowel sound... it's just the perfect excitement!"

 7) Flying Squirrels

With no ado whatsoever: with the seventh pick in the WSEM Draft the Flying Squirrels select Nick Walker, OF real-life team: Belgian Wiffles]. Coffee did not even leave the podium after announcing Belgian's selection, instead jumped right into his selection at number seven opening with, "I love this guy!" Carl then spent the duration of his time on the clock mentioning all the fun things he and Walker were going to do throughout the season. Nick's handshake as he came on stage to meet Coffee was described by reporters as "guarded".

 8) Donkeys traded to Manchester Punchouts for #2 pick

After trading into the #8 pick, Evan immediately got on the phone with Josh Nagorski and tried to instill a sense of paranoia in him that the Ducks needed to trade up to pick in front of the DeLoppes at #9. Josh did not bite, explaining they were not interested in one player enough to make the move - and loss of their second pick immediately following - worth it. Evan shrugged it off later stating, "hey, ya gotta try." Bortmas may have been unable to secure four picks in the draft, but he had always known what he wanted to do with this pick. He let the crowd and chatter rumble for a bit, then calmly made the call to the commish. And with the eighth pick in the WSEM mock-a-dilly Draft the Manchester Punchouts choose Sam Hatt, P [real-life team: Manchester Punchouts]. When asked if the pick was due to he and Sam going way back Evan replied, "yeah... well, no... sort of. Really, I just can't hit his screwball riser. So, I just never wanted to see that in a game again!"

 9) Wiffling DeLoppes

An ardent fan of Star Trek: TOS, Chad Hoppe had only one player in mind all draft. Chad and his brothers casually watched through DVDs of the show and thought up fun scenes to reenact with their new teammate, as the other teams made their picks until they knew their guy fell to them. Then they had a celebratory beer before calling in their pick. In the spirit of full disclosure: Chad used his phone as if it were a tri-corder, while Bobby pretended the TV remote was a phaser. With the ninth selection in the WSEM Draft the Wiffling DeLoppes select Jake "Red Shirt" Cadez.

10) Thunder Ducks

Josh Nagorski and the Thunder Ducks shot down the Punchouts' trade offer, confident in their options with two picks back-to-back at #10 and #11. The Ducks are even more confident in their teams abilities: pitching, power, average. If there is one spot the team thinks they may need a boost it is in team speed. Sure, they could have addressed that issue here, but why do that when you can lead with the fun pick? So, with the tenth pick in the WSEM Draft, the Thunder Ducks choose Colin Lake, UT [real-life team: Whiteford Wicked Aces]. This short quote from Nagorski sells it, "c'mon, man! The Ducks need a Lake!"

2nd Round

11) Thunder Ducks

Coffee gave a chuckle to Nagorski's fowl pun, then said, "don't hang up. Give me your pick at number eleven; I'm done talking to you." Laughing harder under his breath knowing his wordplay had gotten to the commissioner, Josh could not manage to relay his pick. Thus, Dennis Pearson had to write it down and take it to the stage on foot; and knowing the team speed issue, that took a few minutes. With the #11 pick in the WSEM parody-of-a-Draft, The Thunder Ducks choose Chandler Phillips, OF/P [real-life team: Belgian Wiffles].

12) Wiffling DeLoppes

One prospect (who was not a sci-fi grunt) had impressed the DeLoppes during pre-draft interviews. Key impressions he made included, "willing to be paid in beer", "willing to share his paycheck with the team", an excellent demonstration of Louisville Chugger, and most importantly a propensity for bright socks and accessories. With the twelfth pick in the WSEM mock-fantastic-awesome reality Draft the Wiffling DeLoppes select Chris Paquin, OF [real-life team: Jason Mattseals].

13) Donkeys traded to Manchester Punchouts for #2 pick

With the thirteenth pick in the What if Something Else Meanders Draft, the Manchester Punchouts select Arvie Coffman, P/OF [real-life team: King Friday]. "I guess I wasn't paying attention," Evan later stated, "I thought I was selecting Carl "Coff-man" Coffee with an RV. Who wouldn't want the commissioner and an RV? ... We're looking forward to getting to practice and see Arvie in action, though. Surprises can be fun."

14) Flying Squirrels

It is no secret that Carl Coffee's least favorite thing about his team this year is, utility player, Brandon Corbett's decision to cut his hair in the off-season. "You know, it's like Sampson, not my roommates dog... well, actually yeah, just like that! I'm not a fan of it!" he quoted earlier this month. He was able to remedy this situation when a gift fell all the way into the Squirrels' lap at #14. With the fourteenth pick in the WSEM moc-fan-par-alt-real Draft, the Flying Squirrels select Craig Spring, OF [real-life team: Manchester Punchouts]. When asked about his captain's pick, Brandon said, "Craig's fast. With that speed he pulls off the flowing locks better than I ever could!"

15) Belgian Wiffles

David Buhr's selection in the first round surprised many, and the criteria for the selection surprised even more. For the few left in their seats, though, his second round selection is bound to "wow!", as it is completely off the board! During his guest appearance on the Podcast, David famously questioned why there are no girls in the league yet. Well, having the power in a draft, I suppose we should have seen it coming: with the fifteenth pick in the WSEM Draft the Belgian Wiffles select the entire roster of the U.S. Women's National Softball Team! Buhr exposed a loophole in the draft language, which stated, "you may choose one guy with your pick". He made that poignantly clear shouting from the front row, "hey! I still haven't picked a guy!" He relented and more-than-happily accepted his women's softball roster, feeling especially good about giving them a chance to play when the Olympics are not being held, since there are no opportunities for adult women to play softball in a league.

16) Whiteford Wicked Aces

With the sixteenth selection in the WSEM fantastical Draft, the Whiteford Wicked Aces pick Zach Perry, UT [real-life team: Whiteford Wicked Aces]. Crozier provided the reasoning behind the pick, "he is half Zach Minor and half Ryan Perry; we are hoping he brings all of the good innings those two throw in a major league season with him. If not, then he will make the best BP pitcher ever."

17) Campus Commandos traded to King Friday for #20 pick, beer pong training and a battle shots set

Richard Hurd had only a few names of interest left on his board. He knew he could not risk them hanging around until the twentieth pick. So, he worked out an incentive-laden deal with Adam Grant and moved up to make a pick. Hurd had locked up a name he wanted, now it just came down to making the right choice. He deliberated for nearly the entire fifteen minutes before hesitantly calling in his pick. With the seventeenth pick in the WSEM mock-fantasy Draft, King Friday selects Dakota LaDouceur, RP/OF [real-life team: Manchester Punchouts]. Rich did not immediately address the media, but when he finally came out to comment he lamented the difficult decision, "what it really came down to, for me, was which guy... No... which name... Listen, "Seymour" Skinner is a name I was excited to put on my lineup card and shout during a game, but look Dakota LaDouceur is flat out a fantastic name! And who knows if Craig would like being called Seymour? Dakota was the smart choice, the best choice, the right choice."

18) Jason Mattseals

With the eighteenth pick in the WSEM alternate reality Draft, the Jason Mattseals select Carlos Flores, OF [real-life team: Flying Squirrels]. Greg Franzen admitted picking this late in the draft they turned to atypical strategy to come up with their pick. In fact, they went sort-of da Vinci Code with it. The 'Seals identified two players with the letters to spell out "seal" in their names, however, only Carlos Flores had "seals" plural. The team knew it was fate and were sure in making the pick.

19) Manchester Punchouts

"You know, I didn't have high hopes for this pick. That's why I tried to maneuver around earlier in the draft and get more picks that I felt sure about; somewhat successfully I might add," Evan Bortmas divulged about his process, "that said, though, I was excited to see who was left on the board when we came up at nineteen. This was really a no-brainer for us. We love the Simpsons in Manchester!" With the nineteenth pick in the WSEM Draft of craziness, the Manchester Punchouts select Craig "Seymour" Skinner, OF [real-life team: Belgian Wiffles].

20) King Friday traded to Campus Commandos, bundled with beer pong training and a battle shots set, for the #17 pick

Adam Grant came into this last pick concentrating on the sentiment of MSU athletic director Mark Hollis: "People u seek out is better than those that seek u." Adam thought he had a handle on it, "guys who come to you = worse than guys you go to", then he thought more; "if he seeks me, then I'm a better person! But if I seek him, then I'm the one 'seek(ing) u' and that makes me the lesser person." Uncomfortable with, yet resolved to the fact that someone was going to have to be the lesser person in this mess, Grant made his decision. With the twentieth, and final pick in the WSEM mock-fantasy-parody-alternate reality Draft the Campus Commandos select Donald Peterson, UT [real-life team: Campus Commandos]. Following the pick Adam commented with a chuckle, "ya know what? I tried to get all philosophical on the pick... but that wasn't working. So, I told myself 'you've got a battle shots table, Rich Hurd owes you one, and this guy - Donald Peterson - he really wants to play. Wanting to play is half the game! I'm excited to have a guy who wants to play!"

Team Tuesdays: Flying Squirrels

by Alex Shore

When the average person thinks Wiffleball, you think of a yellow, hollow bat and a childhood game. I, on the other hand, think of one of the most fun summertime activities I have ever been a part of. All of that success is credited to Carl Coffee and Brandon Corbett. When Carl asked me to write this article about the team I was truly flattered. The Squirrels are a team that is the most beloved team in WSEM, it would be much like playing for the LA Lakers or even The Boston Red Sox. So, with no further delay, I will write about the most prestigious team in WSEM. King of the World, Carl CoffeeMy first ever-organized game of wiffleball was on June 26th 2010 against the Flying Squirrels of WSEM. At the time I didn’t think too much about it or even realize what it all meant, but now I realize just how special it was. It was a roster consisting of Carl Coffee, Matt Murtha, Brandon Corbett and Ryan Keith Bullard. This team is not great on paper but you can very much consider these four as some of the all time legends of WSEM. It was like playing Mickey Shore, Pat Lafontaine, Darren McCarty and Al McInnis in a 4 v 4 pick up hockey game! Anyways bringing it to the 2012 season Carl and Brandon still are on the squad, but Michael Constanti, Mike Merlo, and a few other rookies now accompany them. Wiffleball: it's all in the thighs.In my science of power rankings article I have them at number five on paper. Now, given the magic that can happen during the summer and seeing them play in the satellite tournaments, I do not expect them to actually finish there. Carl’s expert defense, Brandon’s clutch hitting (.306 AVG, .537 SLG%, 7 HR and 7 2B in 2011), Merlo’s “Jamie Moyer-esque” dominance (0.24 ERA, 0.80 WHIP, 32 K and 4 BB in 20 IP in 2011), and Constanti’s help (1.54 ERA, 1.48 WHIP, 121 K and 42 BB in 61.2 IP in 2011) could lift this team above and beyond expectations. I expect big things from the Squirrels that had a mediocre season statistically and finished .500 in 2011. If they can find a way to get on base and score the runs necessary (more than one), they can make a top three run. Basically put: they have to step up at the dish and continue to play solid defense if they want late season success. This is truly a great group of guys, I’m glad to call them my friends and competitors; they truly make WSEM one hell of a league. If I had to assign each player to a famous athlete: Carl would be Mark Messier, Brandon would be Shaquille O’ Neal, Constanti would be Ron Artest, and Merlo would be Gordie Howe. Bumper stickers are $1 Good Luck to all this season, Alex Shore

Team Tuesdays: Belgian Wiffles

by David Buhr

David "Eureka's" Castle delivering with Chandler "Bing" Phillips behind.What comes to mind when you think of Belgian Wiffles? Food, right? Well, here's some food for thought - the Belgian Wiffles team is not at all the same team it was last year. I, David Buhr, am the only remaining player on my team that was involved last year. We now have six rookies in David Castle, Chandler (C.J.) Phillips, Craig Skinner, Kyle Tomlinson, Travis Vieira, and Nick Walker. Castle and Phillips proved themselves as pitchers in the most recent tournament allowing only seven runs in five games with the last two being shutouts against the teams that played in the league championship last year. Skinner was a nice addition at the plate as a left-handed bat, and Tomlinson showed off his defensive prowess. Speaking of defensive prowess, Phillips is already being touted as a possible diamond digit candidate. We saw him rob about 3 home runs in the first tournament. Vieira is another left-handed bat in the lineup which bodes well for us Wiffles as the league has predominantly right-handed pitching. Walker sees the ball well and will almost always put it in play. Craig "Seymour" Skinner up to bat with David "Dabadooey" Buhr on first.Vieira, Walker, and I are all former soccer players and we all still have good speed. Phillips also has impressive speed and is probably the fastest on the team. I don't know how much power we're going to have overall, but it was nice to see a three-run shot over the centerfield wall by Castle against the Mattseals in the most recent tournament. I have decent power and had four home runs last year, but am hoping to top that this year. What surprises me most is the lack of respect my team is still getting after winning the April 21st Satellite Tournament. I don't see my team being worse than 16-12 or worse than sixth in the league this year. Look out WSEM, here come the Belgian Wiffles!

EA Sports: We're in the Game?

		Your Junk my Happy Zone
		by Brandon Corbett

It is a nasty spring day: cold, windy, and wet. Not a day suitable for getting out and playing Wiffleball at all. You sit down in front of your TV, turn on your gaming system of choice, a couple developer and sponsor screens scroll by, and then BOOM!: a WSEM splash screen with images of DeLano and Pearson covering the screen with the sound of screaming fans in concert with a Passalacqua tune coming out of your speakers. You are getting the full-on digital WSEM experience! One that is being shared by thousands of at least sixty other fans out there! Okay, so the idea of a video game, like "The Show", built around you and your league is a just a little bit of a distant dream, still. But, let us run with the thought for a minute: "what if this was a video game?" [<- NSFW] What would that look like? How would your team show in those "attribute ratings" graphics? Well, close your eyes (figuratively, you need them to read the rest of this) and prepare yourself for dalliance!





So, I can sense the question hanging on your lips: what does any of this mean? Well, as much as you want it to. As is the way in video games, you can win it all with the Lions in Tecmo Super Bowl; you can win the Stanley Cup with the Nordiques in NHL '94; you can take the Colts to the Superbowl in Madden '95; Beavis and Butthead can beat Gore and Clinton for the championship in NBA Jam; you can do just about anything you want in Ken Griffey, Jr. Presents Major League Baseball; and then there is whatever the heck is going on in (the pretty Wiffle-y itself) Baseball Simulator 1.000! As is also the way in video games, these attribute ratings are never exactly accurate; more like a fun estimate to visually leverage game play and skill. Basically, evaluation of talent - especially in the digital realm - means nothing compared to how that talent eventually gets used by you on the field: real or pixels.

It is fun to dream, though!   

Under the Radar: 4 Players Who Might Sneak Up On You

		Your Junk my Happy Zone
		by Brandon Corbett

Spring is the time to not only get back your feel for the game, but also the time to check out the new talent, improvements made in a returning player's game, size up the league, and make predictions about what is coming up this season. Going into our second year, we have approximately fifty returning players we think we know a good deal about. We also have a large rookie class entering the league. With all this talent running around, there are some players left to fly under the radar. These are four players whom I think will use that element of stealth to their advantage.

Craig Spring  -  Manchester Punchouts To be fair, the entire Punchouts roster are only rookies in relation to WSEM. However, we all know about the pitching and hitting talents of players like Evan Bortmas and Sam Hatt. They along with another previous-unknown, Logan Zigila (aka "Godzilla", aka "the Silver Surfer", aka "Wolverine") and his monstrous power at the plate are taking the light away from what Spring brings to the team: Craig brings that extra base power, too, but he also brings lightning-quick speed. If the ball gets past the pitcher, he has a good shot of reaching first base safely. His speed also helps him make great, wide-ranging plays in the field; including coverage of a large swath of foul territory. On a team full of "rookie" players already receiving a lot of praise, Craig is poised to take the league by storm.

Adam Cosby  -  Jason Mattseals Some of us have experienced what the new Mattseals ace brings to the mound, but most of the league has no idea about him and thinks of Hewlett as the crown jewel of the 'Seals roster. Soon, however, everyone will learn how much they are missing when they see Cosby pitch. One thing that may help keep Cosby's cross-section low is the amount of talent spread across the other new Mattseals' pick-ups: the bat of Mike Myers or Greg Franzen's managing, for example. In his first competitive Wiffleball games, though, Adam easily handled Wiffleball veterans with his assortment of pitches. He is not a dead-to-rights fireballer, but he does have respectable velocity. Adam also pairs that velocity with good movement and deception. Oh, yeah, he brings a good stick to the other side of the plate, too.

David Castle  -  Belgian Wiffles Taking stealth to a new level: this is the highest quality shot we have of David! (Sorry, David, we will get a better one soon.) The serious reason why Castle is flying below the radar in buzz around the league, though, is that his fellow Belgian rookie, Chandler Philips, is already being sized up as a Diamond Digit winner waiting to happen. Nick Walker is also the most recognized name and face of the new Belgian roster. Thus, Castle was quietly able to go about throwing a gem in the innings he pitched against the Thunder Ducks during the satellite tournament. David is confident and impressive on the mound, and gave his team the opportunity to go up 3-0 against the reigning champions in his first Wiffleball start. He is definitely going to be talked-up much more as this season advances and he racks up innings.

Josh Nagorski  -  Thunder Ducks Josh is another victim, or benefactor (depending on your outlook), of playing with teammates who steal the spotlight. Obviously the NWLA Strike-out King and Clown Shu winner, Dennis Pearson, commands a lot of attention. As does the acquisition of Dr. Riser, Chris Lewis, as number-two pitcher in he off-season. Nagorski has thus been improving his game in the shadows. You may have missed it, since your team had been knocked out, but Josh's batting average blew up in last year's playoffs: a stout .304, which was third best among players with more than two games played. He put that number up in seven games, while he only saw action in eight games during the regular season. "Naggie" expects to feature much more regularly in the 2012 Thunder Ducks lineup, and I expect we will see his numbers continue to grow steadily alongside his appearances.

Team Tuesdays: Jason Mattseals

by Carl Coffee & Greg Franzen

The Jason Mattseals were pretty much the whipping boys of the league last season. At the last minute, Jason Matt and Imran Kakli came together to form a roster full of fun-loving competitors. With the league unsure if they would even show up to play, the Mattseals surprised everyone by playing 25% of their season in the opening weekend! Last season, the team’s regular players were Jeff Biegas, who will be a part-timer this season, Jason Hewlett, who will be back on the pitcher’s mound this season, Diamond Digit winner Danny Johnson, who is no longer with the team, and Jason Matt and Imran Kakli, who will both be playing full time. Showing up to games, they did; winning those games, they did not. The Mattseals struggled to find any sort of identity until they played a four-game series in early June against the Flying Squirrels. The Mattseals upset the Squirrels twice that day and split the four game series, behind a dominant pitching performance from Hewlett. The Seals also upset the Westside Warriors once, and had two forfeit wins against the Ass Kickers to finish the regular season 5-23. The Mattseals drew number-one seed Git R' Done in the playoffs, and almost had the upset of the century. In the first two games of the best-of-three series the Seals blew two late-inning leads and lost both close games to end their 2011 season. The 2012 Jason Mattseals now have a new leader, Greg Franzen. He is changing the entire identity of the Mattseals, and I now throw this article over to him to tell you all about that. Franzen throws to Adam Cosby for the force. When the 2011 season came to a close with a first-round playoff loss to the eventual champions, Git R' Done, the Mattseals went into the off-season looking for answers to how they could correct their 5-23 regular season record and turn around their luck for 2012. I was contacted by Carl about playing wiffleball in early December. He mentioned there was a team looking for a solid hitter/fielder. Having played organized baseball since the age of six and high school freshman baseball with both Carl and Corbett, they felt I would be a good fit with the Mattseals: a team looking for a new identity. I worked closely with Jason Matt over the off-season, and when Carl mentioned each team needed to have matching jerseys I wanted to try and design something fun and different. What I came up with will hopefully be a highly talked about and admired jersey by the league. The big question for the team was who would be returning to play again next season. We already were prepared for the return of three stable veterans in Jason Hewlett, Imran Kakli, and Jason Matt. The loss of Jeff Biegas as an everyday starter and player was huge, because we were losing our best hitter of the 2011 season, and offense was one area the Mattseals really struggled last season. Jason Hewlett, however, managed to come through with two new names and I was able to recruit a former high school cross country teammate. Having to play five non-regular players last season hurt the Mattseals chances to gel together as a team. This year the Mattseals have an entire team of dedicated players who will play in most, if not all of their games. Here is a brief rundown of the 2012 Mattseals roster. • Greg Franzen (Captain) – A wiffleball rookie, Greg has undertaken the roll as Mattseals captain and is hoping to change the Mattseals perception in this league. Greg is looking forward to trying to spark the Mattseals offense with his bat and help solidify the defense. With good speed and excellent hands, he should be a welcomed edition to the newly revamped Mattseals. • Jason Matt – Wiffleball veteran Jason Matt brings pitching and game experience to the Mattseals. Jason is familiar with pitching in big games, having been placed into that roll against Git ‘R Done in the playoffs with the unfortunate injury to Jason Hewlett. Jason comes into this season with a strong dedication to help improve the Mattseals. • Jason Hewlett – Wiffleball veteran and last year’s Mattseals pitching ace, Jason Hewlett was counted on to pitch most of the innings for the Mattseals last season. Unfortunately, this was a heavy undertaking and Jason got injured before the playoffs. With the new pitching rotation rules this year, other players of the Mattseals will be stepping up to provide more starting and relief pitching. Jason has been working hard this offseason to improve his pitching arsenal and should provide a dominate presence on the mound. Jason has tweaked his batting style a little bit as well and it has improved his swing and power. Jason is an all-around solid wiffleball player. • Imran Kakli - Wiffleball veteran Imran Kakli brings a fun and energetic presence to the Mattseals. Imran wanted to have a stronger presence with the Mattseals last season, but his work schedule conflicted with many of the games. Luckily, the Mattseals will be playing a majority of their games on Sunday, which should provide Imran with more playing time and an opportunity for a bigger role on the team. Imran brings a knowledge and understanding of the game that will help the rookies and veterans of the Mattseals unite. • Chris Paquin - Wiffleball rookie Chris Paquin is no stranger to playing organized baseball. Chris jumped at the opportunity to join the Mattseals when recruited by Captain Greg Franzen and he brings with him a strong knowledge of baseball and strategy that will be very beneficial this season. Chris will have the opportunity to do some pitching this season and he has been practicing hard to fine tune his pitching style. Chris will be a good fit with the Mattseals. • Adam Cosby - Wiffleball rookie Adam Cosby was recruited by Mattseals veteran Jason Hewlett. Adam will be inserted into the pitching rotation and will allow Hewlett the rest and recovery that his arm needs. Adam has a good baseball background and is very anxious to get this season started and has been a dominate force at practice. He is a welcomed addition to the Mattseals. • Mike Myers - Last, but certainly not least, wiffleball rookie Mike Myers was also recruited to the team by Jason Hewlett. Mike has previously played baseball and has shown promise with good hitting and fielding. He helps to round out the Mattseals and we are excited with what he can offer the team this season. Mike Myers is looking to provide a spark in the new Mattseals offense.At the first team meeting, the Mattseals discussed moving away from Brownstown Middle School and finding a new home for a new identity. After much searching, that home has been found. The Mattseals will play their home games in 2012 at “The Club at Civic Center Park” located in Woodhaven, Michigan on Hall Road. This is a good location that should provide the general public with a good chance to view what our league is all about, while still being partially secluded from most other events at the park. This will be a pitcher friendly park with deep fences all around. Home runs are possible with the wind blowing in the right direction. The Mattseals have been practicing hard this off-season and they are coming together as a team. This revamped Mattseals team is young, hungry, and ready to change their previous image in the league. All the players are very well rounded and will be able to contribute something to each position. They are not afraid to critique each other in order to improve their game. There is a strong level of respect and motivation that will be the driving force behind the Mattseals this season. I am proud of what this team has to offer and I am excited to see us match up against the other great teams in the league this season. “Clear eyes, Full hearts, Can’t lose” – Coach Eric Taylor, 'Friday Night Lights'

Walk-up Themes: Vol, 2

		Your Junk my Happy Zone
		by Brandon Corbett

You know how this works. Remember the thought behind this is, first, an amusing anecdote about the player to hopefully get a "hah!" or "yeeep, that's him!", then - only as an accidental afterthought - the "cool" factor you would normally go for with a walk-up theme. Come to think of it, that is kind of the thought behind Wiffle all the time. Get excited; here we go!


"S.U.T.F.S."  - Dark Wave -  Chad Hoppe  -  Wiffling DeLoppes


"She underlines the fuck scenes for ya? Jesus, if she underlines the fuck scenes for ya, she must worship the ground you walk on." - Reggie "Reg" Dunlop

As a great player-coach, Chad reminds me of the above-quoted Dunlop. Not only for his fuck scene appreciation, either! In 2011 Chad took a team that had never performed well and no one gave much respect, made a few lineup additions, and boom! Instant sensations! Unlike the Chiefs, however, the DeLoppes actually became great at the game. You cannot deny the comparison of Bobby, BJ, and Nick Snow to the Hanson brothers, though.


"Sweet Release"  - Wugazi -  Chris Paquin  -  Jason Mattseals


Sweet release; that inexplicably smooth, calm and collected bit of "BOO YA!" Chris Paquin has that on the mound. He picked up a Wiffleball last Saturday, and immediately had movement that could only be described as "Chadwick-like": not a lot of speed, but pitches that turn on a dime or make you bite before they blow a kiss goodbye as they bow further and further out of reach in slow motion. For our purposes we will treat any previous contact Chris may have had with a Wiffleball as if it never happened; it makes for a much more intriguing story. Especially when Paquin throws out quotes to equal his rookie pitching arm. For instance, "Six strike-outs; put that in your book!"


"Body Shot"  - Electric Six -  Adam Grant  -  Campus Commandos


The Electric Six song in the mix again goes to a Commando! "Body Shot" is spot on for Grant, just as "Escape from Ohio" was for Pfefferle. Adam does not like to give up that inside corner while in the box, and as a result he takes a lot of balls off the torso, thighs, and groin. He also gets a league-leading amount of walks for it, though; so, that must make up for the plastic onslaught.

[As an aside: rumors of Grant's habits of lying down on bars and being the vessel for the other type of body shot are rampant, yet completely unfounded.]


"Hey Stars"  - The Juliets -  Joe Seto  -  Donkeys


Snubbed from the All-Star teams last season, by most opinions, "Hey Stars" is essentially Seto reminding all those guys who beat him out for the teams that he is coming for them this year. All Joe really needs to do is breathe heavily into the phone after saying those two words to drive this point home. However, he will more than likely back it up with surgical pitching and batter's box bravado for a less creepy effect.

Team Tuesdays: King Friday

by Richard Hurd

No one on the King Friday team has ever played a game of Wiffleball, nor would anyone with any prior experience be allowed to be. My sole purpose of joining the league is to dominate it with rookies. Everyone on the team is a fierce competitor and will only be happy with a playoff berth. A little about myself: Richard A. Hurd, captain of King Friday. I played eight years of organized baseball and softball, and made the all-star team all eight years. I also played three years of high school football and played varsity all three years. Taking a look at me you may find that hard to believe; I am a big guy and way out of shape, but I love to win and almost always find a way to do so. Beer pong has been my game for the last 3 years, as well as the game of most of the players on my team. I have won a large amount of money playing organized pong and have beaten some of the best players in the country. Playing pong is how I came to know Carl Coffee and in turn how I came to learn about this Wiffle league. It is hard to make predictions not having seen any of the teams in the league play, but myself and most of the players on the team have dominated every activity we have ever tried. So, if near the end of the season we do not at least still have a chance to make the playoffs, I would see the season as a complete failure. I would expect King Friday to have two or three players make the All-Star team. I do not know what the home run record is,1 but whatever it is it will not be the same after I am done. We are old-school ballers, we played ball when most of this league was still watching Teletubbies. We win no matter what it is. Wiffle Ball will be no different; King Friday will have 14-20 wins, depending on how quickly we get acclimated to the league. I would guess it will be to the higher end of that scale. I know only a few members of the league: Carl Coffee, Ryan Bullard, John Hill and Jason Matt. Having played beer pong against all of them, I can honestly say I am not at all worried about making the playoffs if they are any measure of the talent in WSEM! 1 The HR record is 17, set by Joey DeLano.

Off-season Training Regimens

		Your Junk my Happy Zone
		by Brandon Corbett

Everybody trains in the off-season. Okay, that is not true. Many of us probably have joined hippie colonies in order to avoid touching plastic since September. I did not touch a bat or ball until the couple days of pick-up games we have played. The off-season, for me, is the time to have the real fun with this game: make ridiculous side-project websites, do increasingly ridiculous podcasts, and let the crazy fly! The Wiffle community is crazy! Learn to love that! Still, some do take the down time to enhance their skills in the game: batting practice, pitching the snow pitching in a garage (it did not snow this year), running stairs, math and science. Then there are people who take training to a whole new level; techniques so advanced that you know they are poised to take over the league. The following are a few of those wonderful men.



Mike Merlo (P, Flying Squirrels) has the honored status of "old guy sturdy veteran" in WSEM. Fittingly, in accordance with the age-appropriate tendency to say things like, "in my day we used to walk up-hill both ways to and from school," Mike actually went through the expense and filed all the zoning paperwork to bring "his day" back today! What Merlo did was engineer a system that adjusts the altitude of both his home and workplace, changing the plane between them so that it can always be set to an incline. Genius! Nobody has told him, however, that since he drives to work he is not actually doing more work himself.





Josh Nagorski (OF, Thunder Ducks) wants to become a defensive star and perennial winner of one of the Diamond Digit awards. Nagorski also knew of the phrase "hot hand", so he devised a way to always ensure himself of having that hot hand: use ice cream to practice throwing. On one hand (no pun intended), digging into the bulk-size container of the frozen stuff and balling it up quickly improved his dexterity and "ball" control. He realized almost instantly, though, that even with the grip on the cold mass it was still too easy to hit a stationary target; he would need to find moving targets to simulate a game situation. It was on his next trip to the freezer section of the grocery store that he realized the perfect solution: train right there in the frozen foods aisle! With plenty of ice cream at hand and a steady stream of people passing by, Josh had an efficient means to hone his skills. Later, after being questioned by police - most likely to learn how to improve their softball squads - when the handcuffs were removed Josh realized the success of his training: his hands had never felt so hot!





New to the game of Wiffleball, Rich Hurd (C, King Friday) has been avidly watching as much tape on the sport as he can. His real irregular training began during his seventh watch-through of "The Bird: Give it to 'Em", WSEM's video highlighting pitchers, though. While trying to incorporate the styles he saw in the video into his beer pong game, Rich realized that not only was it getting him nowhere with Wiffle, but it was also negatively affecting his beer pong form. After finishing off the eighth, ninth and tenth cups, he took a break and scrolled through other "suggested videos" that might be of help. It was by accident that a Bars of Gold video was selected initially, being the band featured in "The Bird". However, that happy accident led Hurd down a trail of ever-more enticing videos about real bars of gold. Time-skip two months forward: Rich along with a cheeky local trail-guide and a Saigon whore are Indiana Jones-ing it up, trekking through jungles in search of the lost bars. Hurd's goal: well... nobody really knows how it relates to Wiffleball. But who cares?! He is going to be filthy rich! (No pun intended.) Besides, tangling with snakes, jungle cats, aborigines, and ancient booby traps is sure to hone skills relating to everything.





You may have seen this one on late night television alongside other famous infomercials, as it has become a championed training exercise. Joe Spagnuolo (OF, Donkeys) had an epiphany one night while looking forward to the 2012 Wiffle season: "if I can hit a brick, I can hit Dennis Pearson!"; the sort of advice that a bizarro Rip Torn might give. Taking heed to the sage advice, Joe promptly set a brick on a tee and started taking swing after increasingly aggressive swing with the plastic bat. Eventually, after a mere seventy-four hopelessly misshapen bats, Joe began to move the brick impressive distances away from the tee: eight, maybe nine feet! Spags knew he was onto something, but was it enough? Better to be safe than sorry, he evolved the setup: hit a swinging brick. Eighty-six snapped-in-half bats later he was connecting with enough force to break the string suspending the weight and flip it a few feet forward. He had done it. Joe knew he could now handle an 85 mph plastic ball, no problem. With that came the Spags Power Smash Swing, and infomercial stardom!