WSEM mock-fantasy-parody-alternate reality Draft

		Your Junk my Happy Zone
		by Brandon Corbett

It is NFL Draft Day, so I thought we could have some fun with a "what if WSEM had a draft?" alternate reality. We floated the idea of a draft and free agency toward the end of last season and were met with rousing disdain. So, never you worry, we have no plans on the furthest of horizons to actually instate a real-life draft to improve parity across the league. However, alternate universes are not held to this and are ripe for parody! The order for this "what if...?" draft - Hold on. This needs an actually name... What if Something Else Meandered (WSEM) Draft.

Okay, the order for this What if Something Else Meandered (WSEM) Draft will be the two expansion teams in the reverse order they joined (tenth team first, ninth second) to open, then last season's eighth through first seeds. The Donkeys are considered to be the Warriors franchise, and Whiteford a relocation of the Ass Kickers. The players available in the draft will be all the rookies, who conveniently have * rookie * next to their name on the team pages; rookie captains will not be availabe, though. Also, I am only going to run through the first two rounds, and will flip the draft order fantasy sports style in the second round; so, feel free to consider this a mock-fantasy-parody-alternate reality draft.

Here we go! Commissioner Coffee is stepping up to the podium!

1st Round

 1) King Friday

Captain Richard Hurd expressed great excitement over the chance to select between so many rookies, as those are the athletes he wants to take on his Cinderalla championship run. Without further ado... with the first pick in the WSEM mock-fantasy-parody-alternate-reality Draft King Friday takes Adam Cosby, P [real-life team: Jason Mattseals]. After the pick, Hurd explained the reasoning for the pick, "I felt Adam would make a great fit on King Friday, due to the successful run The Cosby Show had during the time most of this league was watching King Friday on Mr. Rogers Neighborhood." Cannot argue with that pick, Rich.

 2) Manchester Punchouts traded to Donkeys for #8 and #13 picks

Evan Bortmas wanted more than two picks in this draft and was worried that the picks he wanted may all be gone by his 19th pick in the second round. He knew his #2 pick could entice some teams with mid-to-late round picks into trading both of their picks for it. He was right; Joe Seto of the Donkeys has a full roster of veterans and was only interested in one or two players; he did not want to risk them being off the board by #8.


So, with the number two pick in the WSEM mock-blah-blah-blah Draft the Donkeys select (Kyle) "Ladainian" Tomlinson, OF [real-life team: Belgian Wiffles]. Joe commented after, "well, I should have checked a little more before making the pick to see if it was the LT, but I still like the pick. Kyle has speed and that will go a long way with the Donkeys... Besides we can still make a couple bucks on forged autographs, I bet."

 3) Jason Mattseals

With the third pick the Jason Mattseals select Mike Myers, OF/P [real-life team: Jason Mattseals]. Captain Greg Franzen offered his reasoning, "Jason (Hewlett) and I both just had this feeling that we were meant to take Mike, like for some cosmic reason he was meant to play on our team. ... And we didn't want to risk leaving Wayne's World on the board for some jokester like Hurd or Grant, who's right behind us, to snag up!"

 4) Campus Commandos

Adam Grant knows a thing or two about marketing, and he knows that the real key to success of an athlete is how well the public eats them up. It is all about getting the eyes on you, and nothing gets more eyes than a superhero or giant monster blockbuster. With that tease and the number four pick in the WSEM words go here Draft the Campus Commandos choose Logan Zigila, aka "the Silver Surfer", "Wolverine", or "Godzilla", OF [real-life team: Manchester Punchouts. Logan definitely brings the name and the power to bring to the Commandos, who will unleash him and all his aliases on downtown Detroit.

 5) Whiteford Wicked Aces

Austin and Joel were disappointed with the Commandos selection at #4 as they wanted Zigila to address their team's perceived absence of power. Undeterred, the pair took only three minutes (two-and-a-half of which were spent in a McD's drive thru) to weigh the remaining options on their board. With a mouthful of fries Joel made the call to Commissioner Coffee, and with the fifth pick in the WSEM draft the Whiteford Wicked Aces take David Castle, P [real-life team: Belgian Wiffles]. The Aces front office decided to play the game and hoard pitching talent, further deepening their rotation. The pop in David's bat as well as Eureka's Castle, for Evan Bischoff's benefit, were also factors in the Aces decision.

 6) Belgian Wiffles

During pre-draft interviews David Buhr focused on a series of direct questions: "how many waffles do you eat in a sitting?", "are you a syrup or powdered sugar guy?", "what's your favorite syrup flavor?", "you prefer pancakes? Well, thank you for your time. Goodbye." During these interviews what he was really focusing his attention on, though, was how fun was the name to yell out after a great play or as the player walked up to the plate. He would try multiple variations in his head, and conclude the interview when he ran out of ideas or decided he could not work with the name. Some might argue you build a winner with talent, but David believes the key to bringing out the best talent is all in the hype up. So, with the sixth pick in the WSEM m-f-p-a.r. Draft the Belgian Wiffles select Tristan Birotte, P/OF [real-life team: King Friday]. Buhr justified his pick by saying, "the way a two-syllable name builds up into a three-syllable name ending on a long vowel sound... it's just the perfect excitement!"

 7) Flying Squirrels

With no ado whatsoever: with the seventh pick in the WSEM Draft the Flying Squirrels select Nick Walker, OF real-life team: Belgian Wiffles]. Coffee did not even leave the podium after announcing Belgian's selection, instead jumped right into his selection at number seven opening with, "I love this guy!" Carl then spent the duration of his time on the clock mentioning all the fun things he and Walker were going to do throughout the season. Nick's handshake as he came on stage to meet Coffee was described by reporters as "guarded".

 8) Donkeys traded to Manchester Punchouts for #2 pick

After trading into the #8 pick, Evan immediately got on the phone with Josh Nagorski and tried to instill a sense of paranoia in him that the Ducks needed to trade up to pick in front of the DeLoppes at #9. Josh did not bite, explaining they were not interested in one player enough to make the move - and loss of their second pick immediately following - worth it. Evan shrugged it off later stating, "hey, ya gotta try." Bortmas may have been unable to secure four picks in the draft, but he had always known what he wanted to do with this pick. He let the crowd and chatter rumble for a bit, then calmly made the call to the commish. And with the eighth pick in the WSEM mock-a-dilly Draft the Manchester Punchouts choose Sam Hatt, P [real-life team: Manchester Punchouts]. When asked if the pick was due to he and Sam going way back Evan replied, "yeah... well, no... sort of. Really, I just can't hit his screwball riser. So, I just never wanted to see that in a game again!"

 9) Wiffling DeLoppes

An ardent fan of Star Trek: TOS, Chad Hoppe had only one player in mind all draft. Chad and his brothers casually watched through DVDs of the show and thought up fun scenes to reenact with their new teammate, as the other teams made their picks until they knew their guy fell to them. Then they had a celebratory beer before calling in their pick. In the spirit of full disclosure: Chad used his phone as if it were a tri-corder, while Bobby pretended the TV remote was a phaser. With the ninth selection in the WSEM Draft the Wiffling DeLoppes select Jake "Red Shirt" Cadez.

10) Thunder Ducks

Josh Nagorski and the Thunder Ducks shot down the Punchouts' trade offer, confident in their options with two picks back-to-back at #10 and #11. The Ducks are even more confident in their teams abilities: pitching, power, average. If there is one spot the team thinks they may need a boost it is in team speed. Sure, they could have addressed that issue here, but why do that when you can lead with the fun pick? So, with the tenth pick in the WSEM Draft, the Thunder Ducks choose Colin Lake, UT [real-life team: Whiteford Wicked Aces]. This short quote from Nagorski sells it, "c'mon, man! The Ducks need a Lake!"

2nd Round

11) Thunder Ducks

Coffee gave a chuckle to Nagorski's fowl pun, then said, "don't hang up. Give me your pick at number eleven; I'm done talking to you." Laughing harder under his breath knowing his wordplay had gotten to the commissioner, Josh could not manage to relay his pick. Thus, Dennis Pearson had to write it down and take it to the stage on foot; and knowing the team speed issue, that took a few minutes. With the #11 pick in the WSEM parody-of-a-Draft, The Thunder Ducks choose Chandler Phillips, OF/P [real-life team: Belgian Wiffles].

12) Wiffling DeLoppes

One prospect (who was not a sci-fi grunt) had impressed the DeLoppes during pre-draft interviews. Key impressions he made included, "willing to be paid in beer", "willing to share his paycheck with the team", an excellent demonstration of Louisville Chugger, and most importantly a propensity for bright socks and accessories. With the twelfth pick in the WSEM mock-fantastic-awesome reality Draft the Wiffling DeLoppes select Chris Paquin, OF [real-life team: Jason Mattseals].

13) Donkeys traded to Manchester Punchouts for #2 pick

With the thirteenth pick in the What if Something Else Meanders Draft, the Manchester Punchouts select Arvie Coffman, P/OF [real-life team: King Friday]. "I guess I wasn't paying attention," Evan later stated, "I thought I was selecting Carl "Coff-man" Coffee with an RV. Who wouldn't want the commissioner and an RV? ... We're looking forward to getting to practice and see Arvie in action, though. Surprises can be fun."

14) Flying Squirrels

It is no secret that Carl Coffee's least favorite thing about his team this year is, utility player, Brandon Corbett's decision to cut his hair in the off-season. "You know, it's like Sampson, not my roommates dog... well, actually yeah, just like that! I'm not a fan of it!" he quoted earlier this month. He was able to remedy this situation when a gift fell all the way into the Squirrels' lap at #14. With the fourteenth pick in the WSEM moc-fan-par-alt-real Draft, the Flying Squirrels select Craig Spring, OF [real-life team: Manchester Punchouts]. When asked about his captain's pick, Brandon said, "Craig's fast. With that speed he pulls off the flowing locks better than I ever could!"

15) Belgian Wiffles

David Buhr's selection in the first round surprised many, and the criteria for the selection surprised even more. For the few left in their seats, though, his second round selection is bound to "wow!", as it is completely off the board! During his guest appearance on the Podcast, David famously questioned why there are no girls in the league yet. Well, having the power in a draft, I suppose we should have seen it coming: with the fifteenth pick in the WSEM Draft the Belgian Wiffles select the entire roster of the U.S. Women's National Softball Team! Buhr exposed a loophole in the draft language, which stated, "you may choose one guy with your pick". He made that poignantly clear shouting from the front row, "hey! I still haven't picked a guy!" He relented and more-than-happily accepted his women's softball roster, feeling especially good about giving them a chance to play when the Olympics are not being held, since there are no opportunities for adult women to play softball in a league.

16) Whiteford Wicked Aces

With the sixteenth selection in the WSEM fantastical Draft, the Whiteford Wicked Aces pick Zach Perry, UT [real-life team: Whiteford Wicked Aces]. Crozier provided the reasoning behind the pick, "he is half Zach Minor and half Ryan Perry; we are hoping he brings all of the good innings those two throw in a major league season with him. If not, then he will make the best BP pitcher ever."

17) Campus Commandos traded to King Friday for #20 pick, beer pong training and a battle shots set

Richard Hurd had only a few names of interest left on his board. He knew he could not risk them hanging around until the twentieth pick. So, he worked out an incentive-laden deal with Adam Grant and moved up to make a pick. Hurd had locked up a name he wanted, now it just came down to making the right choice. He deliberated for nearly the entire fifteen minutes before hesitantly calling in his pick. With the seventeenth pick in the WSEM mock-fantasy Draft, King Friday selects Dakota LaDouceur, RP/OF [real-life team: Manchester Punchouts]. Rich did not immediately address the media, but when he finally came out to comment he lamented the difficult decision, "what it really came down to, for me, was which guy... No... which name... Listen, "Seymour" Skinner is a name I was excited to put on my lineup card and shout during a game, but look Dakota LaDouceur is flat out a fantastic name! And who knows if Craig would like being called Seymour? Dakota was the smart choice, the best choice, the right choice."

18) Jason Mattseals

With the eighteenth pick in the WSEM alternate reality Draft, the Jason Mattseals select Carlos Flores, OF [real-life team: Flying Squirrels]. Greg Franzen admitted picking this late in the draft they turned to atypical strategy to come up with their pick. In fact, they went sort-of da Vinci Code with it. The 'Seals identified two players with the letters to spell out "seal" in their names, however, only Carlos Flores had "seals" plural. The team knew it was fate and were sure in making the pick.

19) Manchester Punchouts

"You know, I didn't have high hopes for this pick. That's why I tried to maneuver around earlier in the draft and get more picks that I felt sure about; somewhat successfully I might add," Evan Bortmas divulged about his process, "that said, though, I was excited to see who was left on the board when we came up at nineteen. This was really a no-brainer for us. We love the Simpsons in Manchester!" With the nineteenth pick in the WSEM Draft of craziness, the Manchester Punchouts select Craig "Seymour" Skinner, OF [real-life team: Belgian Wiffles].

20) King Friday traded to Campus Commandos, bundled with beer pong training and a battle shots set, for the #17 pick

Adam Grant came into this last pick concentrating on the sentiment of MSU athletic director Mark Hollis: "People u seek out is better than those that seek u." Adam thought he had a handle on it, "guys who come to you = worse than guys you go to", then he thought more; "if he seeks me, then I'm a better person! But if I seek him, then I'm the one 'seek(ing) u' and that makes me the lesser person." Uncomfortable with, yet resolved to the fact that someone was going to have to be the lesser person in this mess, Grant made his decision. With the twentieth, and final pick in the WSEM mock-fantasy-parody-alternate reality Draft the Campus Commandos select Donald Peterson, UT [real-life team: Campus Commandos]. Following the pick Adam commented with a chuckle, "ya know what? I tried to get all philosophical on the pick... but that wasn't working. So, I told myself 'you've got a battle shots table, Rich Hurd owes you one, and this guy - Donald Peterson - he really wants to play. Wanting to play is half the game! I'm excited to have a guy who wants to play!"