Preseason Top 5 Pitchers

		Coffee Time
		by Carl Coffee

Back in 2011 I used to only rank the Top Five pitchers in the league. Pitching dominance at that time was so rare, guys like Maclin Malloy and Joe Seto would be on the list. Then for the next two seasons I changed it to a Top Ten list. I had no trouble including everyone who deserved to be included. I could once again go with ten, but I think the best way to have any sort of debate or controversy is to go back to only five.

As the Power Ranking Czar of WSEM, I get bored limiting it to just the teams. My hope for the 2014 season is to release the Top Five pitcher rankings four times throughout the season: preseason, two in the midseason, and after the season.

5.  Chandler Phillips  –  El Diablos

Everything that RJ Fisher is as a #2, Chandler is the exact opposite. He doesn’t fly under the radar, he isn’t quiet, and he is the face of the Fighting Chickens, which isn’t an easy task since the team has both the MVP and the Clown Shu. Chandler doesn’t have a single award, but he is still a feared pitcher. He knows Skinner is the ace, and excels as a #2. Even though I didn’t take this into account, all he did in the NWLA Tournament as the youngest player there was finish 2nd in ERA behind Ryan Bush. I expect Chandler to be in the Top Five all season. He is only going to get better.

4.  RJ Fisher  –  Whiteford Wicked Aces

I want to put Sam Hatt here, but it doesn’t appear he will get to the 30 inning mark, which is what you need to be eligible for the league leaders. Instead, I put a guy here who only pitched 21 1/3 innings last year. RJ was the #2 pitcher for the champion Wicked Aces last season and quietly was dominate. He only went 3-0 in five starts, but I expect him to pitch a lot more in 2014. He should be around 8-10 starts, and could very well win each of them. RJ in my opinion is the most underrated player in the league and probably hates being ranked this high. He will no longer fly under the radar though, and expect him to have an All-Star caliber season.

3.  Will Mundel  -  Islanders

This one was tough for me, especially when you look at Mundel’s stats from 2013. However, you can’t look at his 2013 stats at all if you want to fairly evaluate him. It was on the job training for Mundel last season as he was found playing catch on Belle Isle before an Islanders game. Those first few starts for him at their windy home field were disastrous. The more he pitched, the more accurate he got. He still earned an All-Star spot and pitched very well in the All-Star game. For this season, you may still see a lot of walks from Mundel because like I pointed out earlier, he plays on one of the windier fields in the league. So you probably won’t see his WHIP dip below the 1.00 mark. He will however be up there in strike outs and wins, and could very well be in the Clown Shu conversation.

2.  Craig Skinner  –  El Diablos

2013 was the year of Craig Skinner. In 11 starts, Skinner went 9-2 with a 0.37 ERA and a 0.72 WHIP. The new bats and the three extra feet had zero negative effect on El Diablos ace, as he took home the Clown Shu. Skinner is expected to once again get a lot of work on the mound this season, and I wouldn’t be surprised to see him close to 12 starts. Skinner has the best chance to take the #1 spot away from Austin, and could be our first two-time Clown Shu winner.

1.  Austin Bischoff  –  Whiteford Wicked Aces

Nobody is going to be surprised with the first two guys on this list, but I still have to rank them. Austin is the ace on a team full of aces. He is extremely unselfish which ended up costing him the Clown Shu last season. He won’t be close to 14 starts in 2014, but will probably be in the 8-10 range. Austin is very dominant at home where he benefits from an inclined mound, but also can shut down teams on the road. Austin has made a name for himself on the national stage as well, winning the National Pitcher of the Year Wiffy Award in 2013. If Austin wants to stay at #1 all year, he can, he just needs to be a little more selfish.

Honorable Mention:  Evan Bischoff (Whiteford Wicked Aces),  Dennis Pearson (Holy Balls),  Evan Bortmas (Westside Warriors)

Recapping the Team Attribute Ratings: By Divisions, Side by Side

All of the 2014 preseason team attribute ratings have been released. In case you missed any ― and for the sake of comparison ― the ten teams' ratings are laid out here by division, side by side, highest to lowest. You can click on each team to read their corresponding writeup. As a bonus, both division's average overall rating is included at the bottom.

Overall: 74

Overall: 80

Wolfpack Attribute Ratings

Championships - silver star: tournament champion, gold star: WSEM champion, gold triangle: division pennant
League averages - CON: 77, PWR: 77, PIT: 75, DEF: 79, OVR: 77 Team attribute ratings were determined by averaging the individual ratings of the four members of the WSEM Front Office's Tactical Media Wing. Contact (CON), power (PWR), pitching (PIT), and defense (DEF) were studied to determine overall (OVR) team rating. The thin bars included are the league average for each attribute. This writeup for the Wolfpack is provided by David Castle.

The Wolfpack come into the 2014 season as a brand new team, filled with talent from top to bottom. However, that talent is too inconsistent for anyone to call them great, which is why they come in 5th in the overall ratings with an 80.

The Wolfpack have a respectable 83 Contact and 85 Power rating, which is no surprise because both Brannans can hit. Plus, the addition of Nicco Lollio puts the cherry on top. But, it all comes down to if Nicco shows up to games against formidable opponents, unlike last year. If he doesn’t, this line up takes a hit.

As for pitching, their rating is a staggering 71. It’s hard to rate them any higher with Mark Brannan being their only good source of pitching, and he can be shaky at times. They have no number two. Maybe Nicco can get that knuckleball to be more consistent, but that’s a long shot, and the thought of Andrew Piasecki pitching is amusing. Their defense is an 83, not bad, I wouldn’t mind having Greg Brannan behind me fielding anything that’s put in play. Look for this team to fight for a wildcard spot.

Whiteford Wicked Aces Attribute Ratings

Championships - silver star: tournament champion, gold star: WSEM champion, gold triangle: division pennant
League averages - CON: 77, PWR: 77, PIT: 75, DEF: 79, OVR: 77 Team attribute ratings were determined by averaging the individual ratings of the four members of the WSEM Front Office's Tactical Media Wing. Contact (CON), power (PWR), pitching (PIT), and defense (DEF) were studied to determine overall (OVR) team rating. The thin bars included are the league average for each attribute. This writeup for the Wicked Aces is provided by Brandon Corbett.

Yes, Virginia, the three-peat attempting Aces are third overall in the preseason ratings behind El Diablos and Westside.

The reason for this is a perceived drop off in offensive production. The loss of Bortmas and speculation that Crozier will split time between Whiteford and Boston this season leaves Austin as the only big bat in the everyday lineup. Fisher, Little E, and Hughes combine for a .220 AVG, and that's good enough to see their contact rating third in the league, ten points above the league average. It's in the power category where the Aces slide back to the middle of the pack. The potential absence of Crozier also knocks their defensive rating down a bit, but they're still tied for second and very solid in this part of the game.

Of course, none of the above may matter when all is said and done. By far the largest advantage for a team at the front of the pack in any category, 8 points, is the one the Aces' hold in pitching. Little E and Fisher platoon as number-twos behind Austin, but either would easily be the ace on seven other WSEM teams. That near-perfect 99 in the most important facet of the game has the capability to readily override an overall rating of third.

Westside Warriors Attribute Ratings

Championships - silver star: tournament champion, gold star: WSEM champion, gold triangle: division pennant
League averages - CON: 77, PWR: 77, PIT: 75, DEF: 79, OVR: 77 Team attribute ratings were determined by averaging the individual ratings of the four members of the WSEM Front Office's Tactical Media Wing. Contact (CON), power (PWR), pitching (PIT), and defense (DEF) were studied to determine overall (OVR) team rating. The thin bars included are the league average for each attribute. This writeup for the Warriors is provided by Carl Coffee.

No team made a bigger splash in the offseason than the Westside Warriors. Alex Shore made it known that it’s championship or bust for the orange and black. Two 5-star All-Stars, David Castle and Evan Bortmas signed with the Warriors and are both dual threat players who can pitch and hit well. Sam Hatt who played at the end of the 2013 season for the Warriors, re-signed and will be the team’s ace.

The ratings were very kind for the Warriors as they finished tied for 1st with an overall rating of 90. We obviously rated them based on their full roster, but with caution about the availability of Hatt and Bortmas. They led the league in the Contact category at 95. Every single player on this team can hit for average, but their Power category is a little lower at 90. I am shocked to see their Pitching rating is 2nd in the league at 91, even higher than El Diablos. Hatt is a stud, but Bortmas didn’t get a lot of time on the mound in 2013. Castle has the ability to pitch well, but has been inconsistent. Their defense is some of the best in the league, and 86 is a perfect rating for that category. The Warriors are a dynamic group of Wifflers, and it’s obvious their talent will take them far – if their talent can show up, of course.

Oakland County Onanism Attribute Ratings

Championships - silver star: tournament champion, gold star: WSEM champion, gold triangle: division pennant
League averages - CON: 77, PWR: 77, PIT: 75, DEF: 79, OVR: 77 Team attribute ratings were determined by averaging the individual ratings of the four members of the WSEM Front Office's Tactical Media Wing. Contact (CON), power (PWR), pitching (PIT), and defense (DEF) were studied to determine overall (OVR) team rating. The thin bars included are the league average for each attribute. This writeup for the Onanism is provided by Brandon Corbett.

Ratings for rookie talent are always the trickiest, for obvious reasons. New players could fall anywhere along the scale, so when you have a team full of them it's easy to imagine every sort of situation — great, good, iffy, or awful — playing out for their season. All those question marks see the final numbers skew toward the seventies, which is right where we find the offensive and overall ratings for Onanism.

Pitching has the steepest learning curve, so it's no surprise that's where the untested arms give Onanism their lowest rating, 69. Haffey looks to have three chances to find an arm to complete his rotation, with Hool, Brasil, and Jardine each penciled in to take the mound. Haffey himself put up good numbers last year: finishing third in ERA, WHIP, and K/BB. However, only 7 games pitched seems to rub some of the shine off that fact.

Defense is the attribute where pure athleticism can transition unabated into Wiffleball, and these ballplayers earn their highest mark for that, 78, just one shy of the league average. Gun to my head: Onanism have a better shot at being good than awful, but until we see them in action iffy is the only way you can call it. Still, at 73 overall they are rated right with teams expected to be in playoff contention.

King Friday Attribute Ratings

Championships - silver star: tournament champion, gold star: WSEM champion, gold triangle: division pennant
League averages - CON: 77, PWR: 77, PIT: 75, DEF: 79, OVR: 77 Team attribute ratings were determined by averaging the individual ratings of the four members of the WSEM Front Office's Tactical Media Wing. Contact (CON), power (PWR), pitching (PIT), and defense (DEF) were studied to determine overall (OVR) team rating. The thin bars included are the league average for each attribute. This writeup for King Friday is provided by Carl Coffee.

King Friday captain Richard Hurd once quoted something along these lines: “You start winning games when you stop having fun.” Richard isn’t concerned about wins or losses, he just enjoys having a team. This team isn’t predicted to do much, as most people I talked to have them winning anywhere from 0-2 games. They will be fun to play though, and they do actually have some bright spots. Adam Cosby doesn’t show up to a lot of games, but he will be the team’s best pitcher when he does. Ryan Hurd Jr. is the team’s young stud, and will be one of their best hitters. Their rookie, Rich Beach, is in his 40s, and he could be the next Roy Hobbs.

King Friday’s ratings aren’t pretty. They are in last place in all four categories, finishing with an overall rating of 47. Contact (45), Power (42), and Pitching (41) are obviously their weakness, but they do have a semi-decent rating for Defense at 62. The 2012 King Friday roster, which is very similar to this year's, was very impressive on the defensive side and the raters put a lot of stock in that. At the end of the season there won’t be a Cinderella story with this team. They won’t shock the world and slip into the playoffs. They will probably get crushed a lot. They will have fun though, and if they do upset someone to get their first win, you better believe it will be a fun sight to see.

Islanders Attribute Ratings

Championships - silver star: tournament champion, gold star: WSEM champion, gold triangle: division pennant
League averages - CON: 77, PWR: 77, PIT: 75, DEF: 79, OVR: 77 Team attribute ratings were determined by averaging the individual ratings of the four members of the WSEM Front Office's Tactical Media Wing. Contact (CON), power (PWR), pitching (PIT), and defense (DEF) were studied to determine overall (OVR) team rating. The thin bars included are the league average for each attribute. This writeup for the Islanders is provided by Evan Bischoff.

The Islanders appear to return in 2014 with a very similar roster to 2013, minus one mayor. Last year, the Islanders finished in seventh place with a lackluster 5-23. However, I expect them to have a better finish this year.

Hitting continues to be a concern for the Islanders, pulling in the second-worst ratings in Contact and Power, ahead of only King Friday. If Andrew Mott and Robby Colgan can get more at bats, they may be able to scratch across a few more runs. Their pitching may be able to pick up some of the slack left by the poor hitting. Will Mundel will lead a staff that is ranked in the middle of the pack with a rating of 77. Clown Shu candidate Mundel is a top 5 pitcher and, if he pitches 14 games, should be able to win at least 10 with a little run support. Unfortunately, Mundel was the only Islanders pitcher with an ERA lower than 10.50 last year, and the second spot in the rotation is a big question mark. Alex Linebrink was wild and inconsistent last year. The Islanders’ defense pulls in the team’s highest rating at 78. Daniel Egan and Matt Murtha play solid defense for the Islanders.

Overall, the Islanders will be an improved version of last year’s squad, but without a reliable number two pitcher and increased offensive production they will likely be in The Thrill come the postseason.

Holy Balls Attribute Ratings

Championships - silver star: tournament champion, gold star: WSEM champion, gold triangle: division pennant
League averages - CON: 77, PWR: 77, PIT: 75, DEF: 79, OVR: 77 Team attribute ratings were determined by averaging the individual ratings of the four members of the WSEM Front Office's Tactical Media Wing. Contact (CON), power (PWR), pitching (PIT), and defense (DEF) were studied to determine overall (OVR) team rating. The thin bars included are the league average for each attribute. This writeup for the Holy Balls is provided by Evan Bischoff.

The Holy Balls season ended last year by being shut out in the first round by El Diablos. The 2014 squad is much improved and should be looking for a much deeper run.

The big offseason pickup by the Holy Balls was indisputably five-star Dennis Pearson. His impact is obvious with the Holy Balls having the league’s highest power rating of 92. Dylan Braden has also proven himself as a power hitter. However, their contact rating of 83 is pretty low, at least when in comparison to their power rating. Pitching for the Holy Balls is not a huge concern and is rated fourth-best in the league at 80. The combo of Pearson and Paquin will likely carry most of the pitching load. All-Star Chris Paquin has proven himself as a consistent contact pitcher, and Dennis Pearson is less consistent but still occasionally shows flashes of why he won a Clown Shu two years ago. Chris Lewis, Brandon Corbett, and Dylan Braden may get some innings as well. Fielding is still a big question mark for the Balls. They have no great fielders and it is easily their lowest rating at 75.

Overall, the Holy Balls will almost certainly make it to at least the wild card, with hopes of a twenty win season and a deep playoff run.

Flying Squirrels Attribute Ratings

Championships - silver star: tournament champion, gold star: WSEM champion, gold triangle: division pennant
League averages - CON: 77, PWR: 77, PIT: 75, DEF: 79, OVR: 77 Team attribute ratings were determined by averaging the individual ratings of the four members of the WSEM Front Office's Tactical Media Wing. Contact (CON), power (PWR), pitching (PIT), and defense (DEF) were studied to determine overall (OVR) team rating. The thin bars included are the league average for each attribute. This writeup for the Flying Squirrels is provided by Carl Coffee.

I compare the 2014 Flying Squirrels to the 2013 Holy Balls. Their roster is full of slightly above average talent, and I can see them finishing anywhere from 4th place to 8th place. The combined ratings have them 6th, which is right where they belong.

Three out of the four categories for the Flying Squirrels are in the low 70’s. Contact and Power is at 73, both under the league average which are both 77. The Squirrels offense should be better than expected thanks to the Zac Adams for Adam Cosby switch. Pitching is the Squirrels lowest ranking at 71. I call Jason Hewlett a 1.5 pitcher, not quite an ace, but better than a ‘number 2.’ The rest of the pitching staff is a giant question mark. The defense is the strongest category for the Squirrels at 81. Ryan Bullard is one of the best left fielders in the league, and Ryan Alexia loves playing the shortstop position and knocks down anything his way. John Sharlow played great defense last season in right field for King Friday, and will probably get a lot of playing time there. The Squirrels will be a fun team to watch and will definitely be in contention for that #4 vs. #5 “play-in” postseason game.

El Diablos Attribute Ratings

Championships - silver star: tournament champion, gold star: WSEM champion, gold triangle: division pennant
League averages - CON: 77, PWR: 77, PIT: 75, DEF: 79, OVR: 77 Team attribute ratings were determined by averaging the individual ratings of the four members of the WSEM Front Office's Tactical Media Wing. Contact (CON), power (PWR), pitching (PIT), and defense (DEF) were studied to determine overall (OVR) team rating. The thin bars included are the league average for each attribute. This writeup for El Diablos is provided by David Castle.

Tied with the best overall rating at 90, El Diablos look to make a championship run this year relying on their star studded pitching rotation to lead the way featuring Craig “Skin Flute” Skinner, and Chandler “Bing” Phillips. However, with the departure of 2013 Batting Champ and Rookie of the Year Nicco Lollio, who will pick up the slack at the plate? Easy answer, 2013 MVP Kyle Tomlinson will with no problem at all.

El Diablos come in with the best Defense rating in the league with an 88 overall, which is no surprise since they having sure handed fielders in Chandler Phillips and Dakota LaDouceur. Look for veteran Mark Phillips to surprise with a Diamond Digit in 2014. Their Power at 90 and Contact at 91 is among the best in the league, if their pitching doesn’t show up, they can just out-hit teams, which is a rare luxury to have. El Diablos have a Pitching rating of 90, which sounds about right with Clown Shu winner Craig Skinner and Big Wood standout C.J Phillips, the only thing that would make this rotation better is Chandler being more consistent. Look for that in 2014.

Belgian Wiffles Attribute Ratings

Championships - silver star: tournament champion, gold star: WSEM champion, gold triangle: division pennant
League averages - CON: 77, PWR: 77, PIT: 75, DEF: 79, OVR: 77 Team attribute ratings were determined by averaging the individual ratings of the four members of the WSEM Front Office's Tactical Media Wing. Contact (CON), power (PWR), pitching (PIT), and defense (DEF) were studied to determine overall (OVR) team rating. The thin bars included are the league average for each attribute. This writeup for the Belgian Wiffles is provided by David Castle.

Coming in with the second worst overall rating in the league, at 70, are the Belgian Wiffles, but with the signings of Nick Braden and Josh Nagorski they may exceed these ratings; only time will tell.

Three of the four categories for the Wiffles are in the low 70s with Power and Defense at 71 and their contact at 72. Although Slow in the Snow isn’t meant to be all that competitive, rookies Steven Farkas and Travis Strojny certainly showed that they have some potential at the plate. Also, as mentioned before, Braden and Nagorski definitely helped their ratings a lot, without them we could be looking at another King Friday in the league.

While Belgian’s Power, Defense, and Contact may be average, their Pitching is a question mark with a rating of 66. With Nick Braden being their potential number one, and Nagorski being the number two, it just doesn’t look like that pitching staff will be very consistent. We’re looking at a 10 to 12 win team here, with wild card hopes.

Rob Oden

		Your Junk my Happy Zone
		by Brandon Corbett

On February 7th, 2014 Dennis Pearson went under the knife for what he thought was a routine, tortuous pulling of wisdom teeth. However, little did he know that once the anesthesia kicked in he was in for a much more radical sort of surgery.


Dennis in the "dentist's chair" Holy Balls captain, Chris Paquin, didn't just desire the perfect Wiffleball player, he obsessed over the idea. Noting that the WSEM rulebook doesn't outlaw robots, androids, or cyborgs from playing, Chris parlayed his love for Megaman and the Terminator into developing his flawless Wiffler. He secured a secret location and assembled a team of the world's most brilliant scientists (none of whom spoke English) along with one outstanding bartender (who also couldn't speak English) and the entire of cast of Top Gun for nightly reenactments. Billions of dollars and a handful of prototypes in, the team kept running into the same problem: the machines couldn't comprehend what Wiffleball was!

Unable to compute, the first prototype autocorrected to "waffle," and became the world's number one producer of the breakfast food. A failure, yes, but the added revenue allowed the team to further advance its facilities. Later models recognized their priority as a sport, but always defaulted to the much more commonplace option of baseball. Seven of these prototypes were on display during the 2013 World Series. Paquin ultimately realized that he needed the human component to be successful.

Thus began the plan to get Dennis in the chair, under anesthesia. As soon as he was knocked out Paquin, three of his scientists, and Clarence Gilyard, Jr. (Sundown from Top Gun) moved Dennis to a secure facility where they began the transformation. Already a strong pitcher, they sought to improve his performance by using the ligament tightening procedure theorized by Rookie of the Year in his right arm. His left arm was outfitted with a threat detection system to identify and intercept incoming objects: i.e. flying wiffleballs. Electromagnetic joints replaced those in his legs and pelvis to improve his speed. A rocket motor was installed in his ass, because the team thought it would be really cool (and could aid in robbing home runs). His shoulders received similar electromagnetic upgrades to his legs, but quick-burn rocket thrusters were also added to his wrists to boost his already impressive swing. They also pulled out his wisdom teeth, since that was actually a thing.

Upon first activation Robo Dennis' initial mission was to hit the urinal. The scientists were excited about this, since it meant the human mind was still in play. Providing even more excitement to the team was that after relieving himself Dennis immediately crafted four Wiffleballs out of the very urinal he used, then threw three of them for perfect strikes 150 yards away - breaking the board in the process. The scientists celebrated. Val Kilmer, Anthony Edwards, and Tom Skerritt popped champagne; the bottle Tim Robbins was working on was
Rob Oden wants you! tricky, but Robo Dennis walked over and opened it with no more than a thought. It was at this point, when the new Dennis spoke for the first time, that the team learned there was a single, minor flaw in their revolutionary creation.

"I am Rob Oden. I will play Wiffleball. Who are my opponents?"

Rob Oden? The eyes of team members darted around. Glasses rattled. Tom Cruise looked like a douche. The labored, uncomfortable silence ended when Paquin looked up from his phone that he'd been frantically scrolling through and spoke: "I... Yeah, that's my bad. I accidentally typed a space in there when assigning the project name. Kinda cool, though." Rob Oden pointed to Paquin from across the room, "you can be Rob Oden's wing man!" Tom Cruise instinctively yelled back, "no you can be mine!" Rob Oden rashly cracked open Tom's skull with the fourth Wiffleball, then proceeded to craft another out of it.

Oden, Paquin, the scientists and surviving Top Gun cast have since gone underground to seek out the best, nay, wipe out the filthiest Wiffleball talent. Rumor has it they're currently hanging around Philadelphia. Anyone in the mood for cheese steaks?