 | Your Junk my Happy Zone | |
| by Brandon Corbett |
WSEM does not have a draft. However, out there somewhere, is a much cooler alternate reality in which WSEM does have a draft! Many of their criteria for draft choices may also seem alien to us. Although, I must confess, I think I may have been born there. The order for their 2013 WSEM draft starts with the four new franchises (or those returning after a year off) randomly assigned. Then picks four to eight are the returning 2012 franchises in reverse order from last year's finish. Conveniently for us, their 2012 season had the same results that we did. Additionally, it is set up as a snake draft, so the order flip flops in the second round. All players in the 2013 rookie class are available - conveniently for us again, these happen to be the exact same guys that we have entering the league.
Commissioner Coffee is stepping to the podium...
| First Round | ||
  Westside Warriors - 1.  El Diablos - With the first pick in the 2013 Alt. Reality Fantasy Draft, El Diablos trade up to select Nicco Lollio, UT/P! Captain Phillips remarks on the pick:"There was a lot of interest in Nicco. We had to move up to make sure we got him. We need him; he's the guy in charge of El Diablos' live chicken!" |
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 2.  Islanders - "Everyone knows how much I love Islanders. And sure, anyone I select here would be an Islander, but this guy has an island named after him!" - Capt. LinebrinkWith the second pick in the 2013 Alt. Reality Fantasy Draft, the Islanders choose Greg Brannan, P/UT. |
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 3.  Holy Balls -"More than anything what the Balls organization lacks is great facial hair. We went all in for the beard," states Captain Paquin. In fact, when he handed the pick to Comm. Coffee the paper read, "give us the bearded Braden!"Luckily for Carl, Greg had just been taken, so he had little trouble determining the Holy Balls' pick at number three: Mark Brannan, OF/P. |
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| El Diablos - Westside Warriors - 4.  Ducks - "The Ducks trade up to the number four pick. With it they select ... Michael Sessions, OF," the Commissioner's heart deflates as he completes that sentence.Interim Captain Constanti explains, "we didn't really come into the draft with a plan. I know Carl has a man-crush on 'the Mayor,' so I just wanted to mess with him, and maybe Friday's board a bit. Thankfully, Shore was still interested in grabbing more picks." |
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 5.  King Friday - Coffee never leaves the stage after the Ducks selection. Instead, unconventionally, bringing up his King Friday teammates, holding their war room discussion right there, then spinning the podium mic to Captain Hurd to announce Friday's pick:"Nice try, Ducks, but we have a lot of guys we're looking at. At number five King Friday takes Matt Dancza, P." The music starts up, but Hurd goes right into the reasoning, "he fills a need in our pitching rotation. Figured, if Tony Danza can be Mel Clark, then Matt - with that 'c' added in there - can be even greater for King Friday." |
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6.  Belgian Wiffles - With the sixth pick in the Alt. Reality Draft, Belgian Wiffles select Patrick Misch, OF."I heard Alex (Linebrink) raving about Misch on a podcast. His excitement about him as a player - a rookie of the year contender - ... You can't fake that intensity. Without a doubt 'the Mischief Man' will be Belgian's second consecutive RotY, AND maintain our clubhouse having the best nicknames!" - Captain Buhr |
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Ducks -  7. Westside Warriors - "I want a lot of players in this draft, and need more than two picks to do that. Had to trade back from one. At four, I felt confident neither Belgian or Friday would touch my guys, and knew what the Ducks were up to. So, this has all fallen into place perfectly so far." - Capt. Shore on his draft strategyWith the number seven pick in the 2013 Alt. Reality Fantasy Draft, the Westside Warriors select Keifer Haffey, P/OF. |
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8.  Whiteford Wicked Aces - For the final pick of the first round the Wicked Aces asked for special consideration from the commissioner to announce their selection in the following manner:"The Whiteford Wicked Aces take Shane Henry, the eighth pick in the 2013 Draft," Carl read it as written, adding only, "... Really? I see what you did there," at the end. |
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| Second Round | ||
 9. Whiteford Wicked Aces - Austin Bischoff on the pick: "Our scouts told us this guy has great wheels. We took that to mean speed, and that's an invaluable tool as everyone knows. Turns out they actually meant cars, but hey, that's still pretty cool."With the first pick of the second round, ninth overall, the Wicked Aces select Dan McLaughlin, OF. |
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Ducks -  10. Westside Warriors - With the tenth pick in the 2013 Alt. Reality Draft, the Westside Warriors select James Barone, UT."Right after taking back my Wiffle captain's chair, I started dabbling as a Wiffle talent agent. I seek out talent, like Barone, then try to keep them off everyone else's radar. Guess what? I'm good at it! Jimmy's a steal in the second round!" - Capt. Shore |
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 11. Belgian Wiffles - With the eleventh pick, Belgian Wiffles select Jason Hollister, P/OF."Belgian's always interested in getting our name out there and bringing in new fans. Winning 'team nickname of the year' in 2011 and playing on opening night are great, but now bringing in Hollister is going to be our in with a younger crowd: his connection to the clothing company, California, the West Coast; that's where it's at!" - Capt. Buhr |
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 12. King Friday - Friday spends the full 15 minutes locked in their war room this time, before Commissioner Coffee walks out to the podium to name Timmy Anderson as the pick by King Friday at number twelve.Captain Hurd elatedly explains the selection, "Timmy is a wildly creative pitcher. Put him on the Field of Make-Believe and batter's won't be able to imagine the stuff coming at them!" |
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| El Diablos - 13. Westside Warriors - Captain Shore didn't give an interview in front of cameras after the Warriors selection at thirteen, instead electing to simply tweet his reaction for the media: "#boom"With the thirteenth pick in the Alt. Reality Fantasy Draft, the Westside Warriors take Robbert Leggert, UT. |
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| 14. Holy Balls - Coffee barely had time to complete his bear hug with Leggert before he was handed the next envelope with the Holy Balls pick at fourteen: Cody Steele, UT. Paquin speaks on the selection, "Great pick. Stealing is something we always forget about. Figure seeing the name 'Steele' on the lineup card will remind us to use those. Plus, you know, 'Balls'... 'Steele'... 'Balls of Steele!'" |
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| 15. Islanders - Hootin' and hollerin' can be heard from the open door of the Islanders' war room after the Balls pick at 14. They still take a few minutes to send in their pick; time likely spent further celebrating. With the fifteenth pick, the Islanders select Thomas DeMaria, UT. "We caught wind of the guy's nickname: "Bones". We fly a pirate flag. It's a perfect match! Can't believe how lucky we are to have him fall to us. This is fantastic," Linebrink cheers. |
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 16. Westside Warriors - His name was originally Easserling, but he changed it five minutes before the start of the draft to keep him off other clubs' draft boards - the final tool in Shore's stealthy draft strategy - and show solidarity with his new team.With the final pick in the 2013 Alternate Reality Fantasy Draft, the Westside Warriors take Douglas Wesserling, UT. |
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