 | Your Junk my Happy Zone | |
| by Brandon Corbett |
Later this week the WSEM Championship Trophy will pass from the possession of its creator into the hands of the WSEM front office. No more information about the time or route of the transfer can be made public, however, as multiple tips have trickled into the WSEM offices about a potential plot to steal the trophy before it is safely transported back to headquarters. Five people have been identified as suspects, and investigations into each are underway. Details in the case against each suspect can be found below. Authorities request any further information that will help identify and apprehend the mastermind behind this heinous, criminal plot be submitted through our tip line found in the right-hand column. Remember, you can make a difference.
Both Chad "Skippy" Hoppe and Joel "Bond Villain" Crozier were brought in for questioning by authorities after following up on your tips. Chad quickly spilled his guts, admitting to having been hired by Crozier to seize the trophy. He provided full details of his plan, dates and times the two met to discuss their arrangement, and even handed over a taped phone call between the two. Due to his help in the case, Chad has been sentenced only to allowing half-shirts and stripping down to one's boxers at Frenchtown Field in 2012. Crozier escaped soon after being taken into custody. He is rumored to have fled the country to his island lair in the Caribbean. The trophy is safe, however. So, remember, you have made a difference.
Chad "Skippy" Hoppe, aka "The Rubber Bandit"
Chad has been quiet this offseason. Too quiet you think? Even without knowing the route, Chad is located in the perfect position between Whiteford and Canton to intercept the transport. The DeLoppes have the numbers to cover multiple choke points and the resourcefulness to pull off the heist, as well as plenty of space to stash their score afterward. Chad has publicly stated that he feels the DeLoppes are the best team in WSEM and deserve the championship. We have to realize the threat of our benefactor, who has given so much to the league, resorting to piracy to claim something he thinks he is owed.
It is understood that the only means to counter an attack by Chad's crew is to be on high alert at all times and never hit the brakes; unless, of course, he is chasing close behind, in which case hit the brakes and he will fly right by.
Brian Wheeler, aka "Wheel Man"
We were surprised to get this tip. Brian runs the London Wiffleball Tournament in central Ohio, and has a long-standing relationship with Commissioner Coffee. The only motive we can deduce is that he learned of our early plan to name a tournament trophy the Wheeler Cup. Since we have nixed the plan to do so, he feels betrayed and wants to affix a picture of his face - or at least a wheel - to the trophy before returning it to us. That way we would always remember Brian Wheeler, the impact he had on our league and on our trophy.
All members of the transport team know to look out for Ohio plates and Cincinatti Reds apparel while avoiding KFC restaurants and Pepsi delivery trucks - both prime ambush points for Wheeler's crew.
Larry the Cable Guy, aka "Already an Alias"
Reportedly news of Git r' done being WSEM champions spread to the man who coined the phrase, and now he wants the honor of having the trophy for himself. That or maybe he is rehearsing a role for a movie about a haphazard attempt to steal a Wiffleball trophy; that plot seems about right for Larry, actually. Whether or not Larry actually has friends who are fast cars is the only real concern here. The only instruction given to the team is simply to do as they always do: just ignore him and keep driving if he shows up.
Joshua "War Games" Nagorski
Why would Nagorski aim to steal the trophy when he is already a member of the champion Git r' Done/Thunder Ducks team about to receive it in a few weeks? Simple. It makes for the perfect crime. Who would suspect a player who would be in possession of the trophy in a few weeks? Git r' Done won the preseason tournament, they won the pennant, they won the WSEM Championship... Who could fault them for growing an invincibility complex? What better way for Nagorski to cement his increased role with the Thunder Ducks in 2012 than to go for it all right away? The possibility also exists that this could be a play for power within the ranks of the Thunder Ducks.
The transport team has been briefed to be on the look out for flocks of ducks slowly crossing the road, and given noise cancelling headphones to deal with the involvement of thunderous noises if Nagorski is the one coming for the trophy.
Joel "Bond Villain" Crozier
I take back using "perfect" to describe Nagorski's plan. This is the perfect, over-the-top, completely unnecessary crime: create the trophy, hold onto it for a few weeks, set up the date to hand it over, hand it over, then immediately steal it back. Whether Joel intends to pull off the job himself or hire a team is unknown. Being one of the few people who knows the start point, he is in the best position to cut off the transport. It is also likely that he would implement a trap within the trophy to incapacitate the team during transport - it fits his creative idiom.
In order to protect the shipment without tipping off Crozier the team must proceed cautiously. Smiles and excitement at seeing the trophy first hand will likely not have to be faked, however, gloves must be worn before shaking hands or handling the trophy to avoid exposure to possible chemical agents. Any additional security volunteered by Joel is to be refused, and the transport will avoid any streets mentioned in directions given to them. The team is also instructed to plant bugs on Joel's person and around Poolside Park if presented the opportunity.
Both Chad "Skippy" Hoppe and Joel "Bond Villain" Crozier were brought in for questioning by authorities after following up on your tips. Chad quickly spilled his guts, admitting to having been hired by Crozier to seize the trophy. He provided full details of his plan, dates and times the two met to discuss their arrangement, and even handed over a taped phone call between the two. Due to his help in the case, Chad has been sentenced only to allowing half-shirts and stripping down to one's boxers at Frenchtown Field in 2012. Crozier escaped soon after being taken into custody. He is rumored to have fled the country to his island lair in the Caribbean. The trophy is safe, however. So, remember, you have made a difference.
Chad "Skippy" Hoppe, aka "The Rubber Bandit"
Chad has been quiet this offseason. Too quiet you think? Even without knowing the route, Chad is located in the perfect position between Whiteford and Canton to intercept the transport. The DeLoppes have the numbers to cover multiple choke points and the resourcefulness to pull off the heist, as well as plenty of space to stash their score afterward. Chad has publicly stated that he feels the DeLoppes are the best team in WSEM and deserve the championship. We have to realize the threat of our benefactor, who has given so much to the league, resorting to piracy to claim something he thinks he is owed.
It is understood that the only means to counter an attack by Chad's crew is to be on high alert at all times and never hit the brakes; unless, of course, he is chasing close behind, in which case hit the brakes and he will fly right by.
Brian Wheeler, aka "Wheel Man"
We were surprised to get this tip. Brian runs the London Wiffleball Tournament in central Ohio, and has a long-standing relationship with Commissioner Coffee. The only motive we can deduce is that he learned of our early plan to name a tournament trophy the Wheeler Cup. Since we have nixed the plan to do so, he feels betrayed and wants to affix a picture of his face - or at least a wheel - to the trophy before returning it to us. That way we would always remember Brian Wheeler, the impact he had on our league and on our trophy.
All members of the transport team know to look out for Ohio plates and Cincinatti Reds apparel while avoiding KFC restaurants and Pepsi delivery trucks - both prime ambush points for Wheeler's crew.
Larry the Cable Guy, aka "Already an Alias"
Reportedly news of Git r' done being WSEM champions spread to the man who coined the phrase, and now he wants the honor of having the trophy for himself. That or maybe he is rehearsing a role for a movie about a haphazard attempt to steal a Wiffleball trophy; that plot seems about right for Larry, actually. Whether or not Larry actually has friends who are fast cars is the only real concern here. The only instruction given to the team is simply to do as they always do: just ignore him and keep driving if he shows up.
Joshua "War Games" Nagorski
Why would Nagorski aim to steal the trophy when he is already a member of the champion Git r' Done/Thunder Ducks team about to receive it in a few weeks? Simple. It makes for the perfect crime. Who would suspect a player who would be in possession of the trophy in a few weeks? Git r' Done won the preseason tournament, they won the pennant, they won the WSEM Championship... Who could fault them for growing an invincibility complex? What better way for Nagorski to cement his increased role with the Thunder Ducks in 2012 than to go for it all right away? The possibility also exists that this could be a play for power within the ranks of the Thunder Ducks.
The transport team has been briefed to be on the look out for flocks of ducks slowly crossing the road, and given noise cancelling headphones to deal with the involvement of thunderous noises if Nagorski is the one coming for the trophy.
Joel "Bond Villain" Crozier
I take back using "perfect" to describe Nagorski's plan. This is the perfect, over-the-top, completely unnecessary crime: create the trophy, hold onto it for a few weeks, set up the date to hand it over, hand it over, then immediately steal it back. Whether Joel intends to pull off the job himself or hire a team is unknown. Being one of the few people who knows the start point, he is in the best position to cut off the transport. It is also likely that he would implement a trap within the trophy to incapacitate the team during transport - it fits his creative idiom.
In order to protect the shipment without tipping off Crozier the team must proceed cautiously. Smiles and excitement at seeing the trophy first hand will likely not have to be faked, however, gloves must be worn before shaking hands or handling the trophy to avoid exposure to possible chemical agents. Any additional security volunteered by Joel is to be refused, and the transport will avoid any streets mentioned in directions given to them. The team is also instructed to plant bugs on Joel's person and around Poolside Park if presented the opportunity.
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Brandon Corbett
Flying Squirrels - 17
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Brandon Corbett
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