3 Pros and Cons of Being Austin Bischoff's Brother

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		by Evan Bischoff

Some might think it would be cool to have a good wiffleball player living with you. Usually things are pretty chill, but there are definitely some disadvantages to having a brother/manager/National Wiffleball Pitcher of the Year/Clown Shu winner sleeping (literally) three feet below me (yes, it is true). These are three pros and cons of having Austin Bischoff as a brother.

Pro #1: He’s a Decent Wiffleball Player

In case you didn’t know, he’s pretty good at wiffleball. I could write a short novel of all of his wiffleball awards. Also, the kids at school think that I’m so cool because I have a brother that’s good at wiffleball. Easily the best part about all this is that we are on the same team. Unless your team has Ryan Bush, the Harley twins from TBW, Joe Seto, or the Manchester Punchouts, you probably haven’t beaten him. It’s pretty awesome to have him win almost every game (18 out of 20) he takes the mound. So, if you want a good wiffleball player on your team pretty much forever, they should have been born a long time ago.

Con #1: He’s a Wiffleball God

Yeah, it’s cool and all that he’s on my team. However, I also face him more than any other pitcher in this league. I get to risk my life and step in the batter’s box with him on the mound, knowing that I’m probably going to be sent to the bench over and over again. In my defense, on his bad days, I can occasionally get solid contact on one or two. A whole other story is when I’m on the mound. He pretty has my pitching locked in. Even when I feel like I’m pitching well, I’ve seen him hit back-to-back-to-back-to-back dingers off me on multiple times. That’s a pretty good kick to the pride if I ever felt one. Even though I will occasionally think I’m decent at wiffleball, I’m always reminded I’m not even close to being the best player in the household.

Pro #2: Dedication

You will never meet somebody as dedicated to wiffleball as Austin Bischoff. He’s always practicing and perfecting his pitching technique. When he “struggles” during a bullpen or scrimmage, he will go back and watch his own film to see what he was doing wrong. He’s quite the wiffleball addict. Sometimes he will gently (and occasionally not so gently) remind me to throw a bullpen on certain days. Truthfully, I wouldn’t be half the wiffleball player I am today if it weren’t for him. Just watching him do what he does is helpful.

Con #2: He’s Lost His Mind

Have you ever thrown a bullpen in the snow? Be thankful. When it comes to wiffleball, Austin Bischoff has no limitations. It’s a little alarming how seriously he takes wiffleball, both as a player and even as a manager. He’s told me before some starts that if I walk the first two batters, I’m going to be pulled. If I let up a run, I’m gone. Sometimes he will even expect a perfect game out of me. Maybe this is why the Wicked Aces are a good team. Maybe he’s a little bit off his rocker. Some days it’s just a little scary to think that this kid sleeps in the same room as me.

Pro #3: He Introduced Me to WSEM

Ever since he found Carl’s ad on Craigslist for a “<18 year old wiffleball pitching stud,” my life hasn’t really been the same. My time in WSEM is almost complete because of him. I would have never looked for a bigger/awesomer wiffleball league than the vintage Whiteford Wiffleball Association. I really didn’t even participate that much in the original WWA. Now I find myself playing 20+ games a year on a team consisting mostly of former opponents. On a side note, my backyard is definitely not the same either (it’s much more “dope” now).

Con #3: He is Crazy About How Things Look

I enjoy winning games as much as the next guy. I understand his desire to win the championship every year. However, it’s the appearance-related things that he will go crazy over. For example, having the best field is not a huge deal, right? Wrong. Apparently, he has a burning desire to indisputably have the most awesome field ever created. The league will have to wait until opening day, but if the plans that he has in his mind come true, he may just have that title. Also, I guess it’s a requirement to get new uniforms every year. We have two sets of blue jerseys and yellow jerseys. Yet, the league may see new uniforms again this year.