Hashtag #Friends

by Jason Hollister

When I joined WSEM, I never could have imagined that I would meet some of my best #friends. While playing competitive Wiffle Ball is fun, the real fun comes in the times shared with some of the greatest people on Earth. People around the league, and around the community are always asking me “Hollyweird, who are your top 5 best #friends in the league?!” I usually respond with “Who are you!?” or “Wouldn’t you like to know?” Well Wiffle-Nation, I am here to answer that age old question in a little article I like to call “Hashtag #Friends.”

5. Jason Louise Matt As many of you know, during Jason’s stint at Meijer, he recruited me to join a “semi-pro” Wiffle Ball league. I will never in my life forget Jason Matt because he introduced me to a life changing league. But, what many of you do not know is that Jason Matt is actually the father of my child. Back in 2009 Jason Matt and myself were hanging out at a club and we met 2 attractive young ladies. They both seemed very disinterested in me and were all about Jason’s red beard. I pulled Jason over to the side and let him know that I would really like to have a child with the Amazon looking one, because I couldn’t get over her amazing bone structure. Without hesitation, Jason told me “Don’t worry man, I’ll take care of it.” 2 years after conception, my first born child was born and I have Jason Matt to thank for that. However, I had to give the child up for adoption because I had noticed violent tendencies in him. This was directly confirmed to be genetic after Jason Matt’s recent run in with the Seattle Police.

4. Nate Alexandria Motta Many of you will wonder who exactly Nate Motta is, but if you didn’t know, your ass better call somebody. When playing against Onanism, you may see a shoeless Wiffle Ball player with above average looks, but when you get to actually know Nate you will find he has a story so profound you will want to cry. After our games against Onanism I had a chance to talk to Nate. I was asking all the right questions, and I could see he was holding back. When we hugged before we left, he started to sob up and shake a little. I immediately asked him what was wrong and he told me, “That was the first hug I ever received in my life.” Without knowing how to respond I started to cry and he opened up to me like never before. When Nate was a child, his mother and father left him to survive on his own from birth and he was raised in the wilderness by a pack of wild turkeys. Nate never had human contact until Kiefer asked him to join his Wiffle Ball team this year. Ever since this occurance, Nate and I have been going on “hug-dates” where we just hang out and hug a lot in public. So if you play Onanism, be sure to give Nate Motta a nice hug… you will never know how much it means to him.

3. Alexander Ramona Shore Many of you actually do know Alex, and probably are not surprised that he is on my top 5 #friends list. Last year I faced Alex a few times and always thought he was a pretty cool guy, but not really someone I would consider a friend. My entire view changed on Alex after we were both at the same pizza parlor the night of November 2, 2013. I was just ordering a slice of pizza when I looked over both my left and right shoulder and happened to see Alex Shore surrounded by 10 females, that when added up from a scale of 1-10 in attractiveness, were somewhere around 96.8. I walked over nervously to Alex being fed pizza by these women, and said hello. After talking extensively to Alex and the women, he asked if I wanted to go back to his grandma’s house for a party with us 12. I agreed, of course. Alex packed us all into his BMW and we made the 6 hour journey to Grandma Shore’s house. After a wild night of partying and crying, Alex and I called a cab for the women and went into the bedroom for the night. It was that night of card playing, Instagram picture taking, and prank calling that Alex and I became very close and now we see each other at least 4 times a week.

2. Dave Miranda Buhr First thing’s first, Dave Buhr is not just an “I’ve been thinking about all the prime numbers for a week straight” Facebook status kind of guy. Dave Buhr is an intelligent and thrilling person to be around. Dave was my first ever captain and from that bond we created something very special. The night that started it all began last year after a Belgian win over Whiteford. Dave told me that he was on such a high from the victory that he didn’t want the night to end. “I just finished Breaking Bad and you know what? I think tonight is the night I try crystal meth.” Not surprised in the least bit about this desire, I agreed to hang out and do some meth that night with Dave. After calling his meth dealing friend, Dave and myself went downtown to visit old Tiger Stadium to try to relive some of the past. We enacted every season from 1910 through 1982 that night before we saw some people trying to steal from the park. Dave and I approached the people to ask what they were doing, and one of them promptly grabbed me and pointed a gun at my head. Within seconds of this occurring, Dave pulled out his newly acquired iPhone, opened up the smart piano app, and started playing and singing a song so breathtaking, the bandits decided to release me. Dave Buhr, you saved my life and I will always love you for that.

1. Jordan Michele Wagner Jordan is the 6th, and lesser known member of El Diablos, and he is my best friend. Jordan and I first met the summer of 1998 when we attended “St. Peters Catholic Camp for Young Boys” and ever since then we have enjoyed a friendship that I wouldn’t trade for front row tickets to Bruno Mars. My fondest memory of Jordan was the day the article was published on this very website about my addiction to being a clown prostitute. Upon hearing the news, Jordan rushed over to my house where he found me in a red wig crying downstairs. This was the lowest point in my life now that I was exposed to the entire world and Jordan was there for me every step of the way. Jordan and I went to counseling that very day and still continue to go to counseling today. Jordan you are my rock, you are my stability in an unstable world. I love you man.