In the Cards DOUBLE PACK #7 and #8

David Buhr Belgian Wiffles There are a lot of things you probably do not know about David Buhr. For instance, did you know that he is an editor here on The Skinny? [Ed. note: David did not get his hands on this one, though, since it is about him (or because I just remembered a few hours ago that these are four months overdue :P ). Sorry for the surprise, David!] Did you know he is the coach of a baseball team? That he is a soldier in the U.S. Army National Guard? How about that he plays piano and sings? One thing I am sure you do know about Mr. Buhr, however, is that he absolutely loves playing and being involved with this Wiffleball game. 2011 was rough for David's Belgian Wiffles. That is an understatement. A solid roster was stung by injuries before the season began, and was continually plagued by absence. His team will forever own one of the strangest records on the books: an entire season, 28 games, played without a full roster. I am sure David laughs it off, though; or at least smirks and shrugs about it. He likes bits of trivia like that, after all. Oh yeah, that reminds me: did you know that David is a go-to guy when it comes to baseball trivia? Well, now you do! Back on topic: being a trivial part of Wiffle history is surely something Buhr finds amusement in, the same way that he will be giddy to talk about Belgian Wiffles being the 2011 NWLA "Team Nickname of the Year." So, even in a year with fraught with hardship, the fun in Wiffle always shines through. In a similar spirit, as a player on the field David is all heart and fundamentals. It would have been easy for him to have given up, but Buhr never approached the game with anything less than a "happy to be out here playing ball" attitude. He led the Wiffles in AVG, SLG, and OBP, and had only one less double and home run with twenty-eight less at bats. That said, I am sure he cares less about personal stats than just wanting to see a more steady lineup improve on thirteen wins. Solid and smart defensively, Commissioner Coffee recently commented that David would be an excellent role player in any lineup. I will take it a step further and say that he makes an excellent captain, in that he will not give up on a game, a season, a player, an at bat, or a good experience. One last thing you probably do not know about Mr. Buhr: David will be interviewing players from around WSEM for his new feature on the website, Captain's Corner? Now that you know, get excited for that and prepare yourself for the random onslaught of questions coming your way!				Ryan Bullard Ass Kickers (Picked up by the Flying Squirrels for 2012) I am pretty sure baseball is not even one of Ryan's top five favorite games. Basketball is his number one, and he has the stature to make that perfectly fitting. Poker and beer pong probably take slots two and three, respectively. NFL football is leaps and bounds ahead of the MLB at gathering his interest, and he has certainly swung more tennis racquets in his life than baseball bats. Tacking onto that last statement: I bet he knows stats for Nadal or Federer off the top of his head better than Verlander or Cabrera. Yet Ryan has still been involved in WSEM/Downriver Wiffle since our resurrection in 2009, traveled to two London tournaments, and won a Diamond Digits award in our inaugural season. More than the sport itself what Ryan loves is the thrill of competition. So, whatever the game, he is going to get involved, give it his all, and make it tough for his opponents all day long. You might look at his offensive numbers quickly and underestimate what he brings to the game. Sure, those are not world-beater numbers, but they are not dismally ineffective either; not bad at all for someone who is not a baseball player by trade. Especially not when combined with the defense Ryan provides in the field: a combination of instincts, quick reactions, and range culminating in that aforementioned Diamond Digit award. The ground Bullard covers in the outfield, the catches he makes with his mitts-for-hands, and his ability to rob home runs at the wall can make a .239 batting average seem more like .280 to .300. Most impressively for Ryan in 2011 is that he learned to take walks! Having rarely ever walked in prior tournaments, Bullard took 30 walks this season to post a sexy .465 OBP. Care to apply the "his defense improves his offense by x" equation to that number? Giving you more opportunities to score, while taking more away from the opponent: that is an effective ballplayer. What is really important about the jump in number of walks is that it shows he is learning elements of the game, like patience and an eye at the plate. The natural progression from here should be that he finds a rhythm with his swing, which coupled with the power behind it would make him a very dangerous hitter. Heck, if we allowed one-handed swings, his tennis skills would probably mean we would have another DeLano on our hands already!

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Brandon Corbett
Flying Squirrels - 17
Media Director, Fire Chief

Your Help Needed to Foil Criminal Plot!

		Your Junk my Happy Zone
		by Brandon Corbett

Later this week the WSEM Championship Trophy will pass from the possession of its creator into the hands of the WSEM front office. No more information about the time or route of the transfer can be made public, however, as multiple tips have trickled into the WSEM offices about a potential plot to steal the trophy before it is safely transported back to headquarters. Five people have been identified as suspects, and investigations into each are underway. Details in the case against each suspect can be found below. Authorities request any further information that will help identify and apprehend the mastermind behind this heinous, criminal plot be submitted through our tip line found in the right-hand column. Remember, you can make a difference.

Both Chad "Skippy" Hoppe and Joel "Bond Villain" Crozier were brought in for questioning by authorities after following up on your tips. Chad quickly spilled his guts, admitting to having been hired by Crozier to seize the trophy. He provided full details of his plan, dates and times the two met to discuss their arrangement, and even handed over a taped phone call between the two. Due to his help in the case, Chad has been sentenced only to allowing half-shirts and stripping down to one's boxers at Frenchtown Field in 2012. Crozier escaped soon after being taken into custody. He is rumored to have fled the country to his island lair in the Caribbean. The trophy is safe, however. So, remember, you have made a difference.

Chad "Skippy" Hoppe, aka "The Rubber Bandit"

Chad has been quiet this offseason. Too quiet you think? Even without knowing the route, Chad is located in the perfect position between Whiteford and Canton to intercept the transport. The DeLoppes have the numbers to cover multiple choke points and the resourcefulness to pull off the heist, as well as plenty of space to stash their score afterward. Chad has publicly stated that he feels the DeLoppes are the best team in WSEM and deserve the championship. We have to realize the threat of our benefactor, who has given so much to the league, resorting to piracy to claim something he thinks he is owed.

It is understood that the only means to counter an attack by Chad's crew is to be on high alert at all times and never hit the brakes; unless, of course, he is chasing close behind, in which case hit the brakes and he will fly right by.


Brian Wheeler, aka "Wheel Man"

We were surprised to get this tip. Brian runs the London Wiffleball Tournament in central Ohio, and has a long-standing relationship with Commissioner Coffee. The only motive we can deduce is that he learned of our early plan to name a tournament trophy the Wheeler Cup. Since we have nixed the plan to do so, he feels betrayed and wants to affix a picture of his face - or at least a wheel - to the trophy before returning it to us. That way we would always remember Brian Wheeler, the impact he had on our league and on our trophy.

All members of the transport team know to look out for Ohio plates and Cincinatti Reds apparel while avoiding KFC restaurants and Pepsi delivery trucks - both prime ambush points for Wheeler's crew.


Larry the Cable Guy, aka "Already an Alias"

Reportedly news of Git r' done being WSEM champions spread to the man who coined the phrase, and now he wants the honor of having the trophy for himself. That or maybe he is rehearsing a role for a movie about a haphazard attempt to steal a Wiffleball trophy; that plot seems about right for Larry, actually. Whether or not Larry actually has friends who are fast cars is the only real concern here. The only instruction given to the team is simply to do as they always do: just ignore him and keep driving if he shows up.


Joshua "War Games" Nagorski

Why would Nagorski aim to steal the trophy when he is already a member of the champion Git r' Done/Thunder Ducks team about to receive it in a few weeks? Simple. It makes for the perfect crime. Who would suspect a player who would be in possession of the trophy in a few weeks? Git r' Done won the preseason tournament, they won the pennant, they won the WSEM Championship... Who could fault them for growing an invincibility complex? What better way for Nagorski to cement his increased role with the Thunder Ducks in 2012 than to go for it all right away? The possibility also exists that this could be a play for power within the ranks of the Thunder Ducks.

The transport team has been briefed to be on the look out for flocks of ducks slowly crossing the road, and given noise cancelling headphones to deal with the involvement of thunderous noises if Nagorski is the one coming for the trophy.


Joel "Bond Villain" Crozier

I take back using "perfect" to describe Nagorski's plan. This is the perfect, over-the-top, completely unnecessary crime: create the trophy, hold onto it for a few weeks, set up the date to hand it over, hand it over, then immediately steal it back. Whether Joel intends to pull off the job himself or hire a team is unknown. Being one of the few people who knows the start point, he is in the best position to cut off the transport. It is also likely that he would implement a trap within the trophy to incapacitate the team during transport - it fits his creative idiom.

In order to protect the shipment without tipping off Crozier the team must proceed cautiously. Smiles and excitement at seeing the trophy first hand will likely not have to be faked, however, gloves must be worn before shaking hands or handling the trophy to avoid exposure to possible chemical agents. Any additional security volunteered by Joel is to be refused, and the transport will avoid any streets mentioned in directions given to them. The team is also instructed to plant bugs on Joel's person and around Poolside Park if presented the opportunity.

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Brandon Corbett
Flying Squirrels - 17
Media Director, Rod Farva's Triumphant Return

PEBs, the MLB, and You!

		Your Junk my Happy Zone
		by Brandon Corbett

Nick Snow recently started the discussion about "construct(ing) a way to give the hitters an edge;" meaning we use larger barreled bats. Many leagues around the nation do this: Palisades, Golden Stick, and Tampa Bay Wiffleball - whose season should be just about ready to start - are some of the best examples. These leagues all use the larger barrels to give their batters a better chance and even up the play in their leagues. Quite literally performance enhancing bats. These leagues also allow scuffing; each pitcher meticulously carving personalized patterns into their own balls that boost the performance of their pitches. Quid pro quo. Over time hitters would gain an advantage, so rules changed to help pitchers; then pitchers began to dominate, so rules were amended to benefit batters, and so on.

"Performance enhancing bats," or PEBs, are a huge deal in Wiffleball circles. Their use is routinely debated with each side remaining certain that their way is correct. The Wiffler's Digest Magazine featured them as the cover story of their debut issue. Is Ryan Winfield right in his assertions that PEB users shell out hundreds of dollars only to take a game meant for childlike enthusiasm and fill it with scowls, disparaging remarks, and stepping on other players to elevate their own status? Do the replies in the inbox of the Second Edition from D. Morse and R. Ewald (and to a much lesser extent B. Kind) make a good point that yellow bats are useless when trying to hit at the highest level of fast pitch? It is probably important to note at this point that the bottom-tier pitchers in Palisades or GSWL are on par with Dennis Pearson and Austin Bischoff.

One thing any fan or player of Wiffle will, hopefully, agree on is that a lopsided game is a bad game. If pitchers completely dominate, then the game ends up boring. If pitchers cannot get a batter out, the big blasts may be fun for a minute, but soon it becomes old hat and tiresome to watch. So, what constitutes a fairly matched, "good game?" Why not go straight to the top? The MLB.

After talking with Snow and Commissioner Coffee, I was interested to see where exactly the numbers fell for our league. A quick glance showed that in 2011 WSEM had 26 batters, out of the 66 in the league, hit over .300. Looking a little deeper at only "everyday players" (14+ games played), only four hit below .200, while twelve hit above .280. Those numbers seemed to show that our batters were not so dominated by the pitchers after all. Still, that evidence was not concrete enough to make a statement. So, I dug up league averages for the MLB on www.baseball-reference.com and put them alongside ours. How do you think we lined up against the league we all grew up emulating?

Take a look:

On the batters' side, it is a clean sweep for WSEM. We hit better than the big leagues in each stat category! Wait, that is not really the point. Still a fun fact to tell your friends, though. The point is: the MLB is considered to be baseball played at its highest (read: "best") level. If our hitters were at a severe disadvantage that threatened to ruin the quality of the game, then you would expect us to fall far short of the MLB numbers.

Average (AVG) is the most obvious stat to look at, and a +.023 difference shows that as a league we hit very comparably to the MLB. Also, 35 WSEM players (53%) hit above the MLB average of .255, while 31 (47%) hit below that mark. Just about a perfect spread. A marginal difference of +.035 in Slugging percentage (SLG) shows that extra base hits come at a similar rate in WSEM as they do in the MLB, as well. On base percentage (OBP) is slightly inflated due to the greater number of walks in Wiffleball than baseball, but those extra bases mean another plus for our hitters. Looking at the numbers I think it is safe to say that our batters are not playing at an unfair disadvantage - just being challenged at a competitive level.

What about that challenge? How do WSEM pitchers match up against their MLB counterparts?

Remarkably well. WSEM pitchers show the same pattern of closely comparable numbers with the MLB that our batters did. The -0.11 advantage in earned run average (ERA) for our pitchers is so close it is beautiful. It is the aforementioned increase in walks that pushes our WHIP behind The Bigs, in what is the largest margin of difference of the six categories at +.064. The increase in Wiffleball strike-outs, though, brings the strike-out to walk ratio (K/BB) down to another so-close-it-is-beautiful -0.13 difference.

That last sentence is where the perceived "hitter's disadvantage" stems from; specifically, the increase in Wiffleball strike-outs. I get it. I feel you. Striking out does not make you feel good. Maybe it makes you feel silly, or even pissed off. It should not. Everyone strikes out, even Mr. .567, Joey Delano. The key point here is that, even with the Ks, we are still reaching base at the same level seen in the Major Leagues. Remember why the Wiffleball was created: so a twelve year old could throw a curve ball.

In addition to pitching being the reason behind the game, WSEM will already be featuring two new rules on the field next year that will assist the offensive numbers. First, the pitching rotation will limit aces to at most 14 games pitched; unless they only throw two innings, in which case you have three innings to get hits off someone else. Second, runners can now tag up from any base, allowing you more opportunities to maneuver into scoring situations. With those two rules providing a bump to already good offensive numbers I cannot see any reason to tell teams they need to spend hundreds of dollars on equipment for having fun in the backyard or park. In fact, I do not even see a need to take lesser action, such as moving the mound back to 48'. One day WSEM will probably face with the need to balance out the game for our hitters, but we are not there yet.

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Brandon Corbett
Flying Squirrels - 17
Media Director, Research ANALyst

A New Kind of Legend

		Your Junk my Happy Zone
		by Brandon Corbett

During Saturday’s 3-2 series win by the DeLoppes over the Squirrels the members of WSEM present were met with a moment of transcendence, one which fell just short of magic. Following twenty-three shutout innings pitched by Cliff Comstock and Austin Bischoff, the stars began to align after BJ Hoppe’s two-run home run in the bottom of the first inning put the DeLoppes ahead in the deciding game of the series. One by one the dragonflies broke their flutter and set down on bat knobs, back stops, and the sporadic taller blades of grass missed by the grounds crew. The gaggle of young toads, which had hopped around the field more often that day than Austin Bischoff kicked out bases on hard slides, now stood at attention. Friends, they felt that something big was about to happen.

Carl Coffee cast his eyes over the field, squinted, took a deep breath, cocked his bat, and stepped up to the plate for the Squirrels. A missile from the right hand of Chad Hoppe followed, passing mere inches from Carl’s head. The peanut gallery shouted oohs, aahs, and one distinct hell yeah! baby! The ball came to rest on the other side of the drainage ditch twenty yards away. Carl gave no reaction.


He then waved his bat in front of his hips, and unfurled two ponderous questions in succession: “you gonna throw the ball? You scared?” Chad stood perplexed, a hundred thoughts running through his head: was Carl taunting the veteran pitcher? Was the blistering sun getting to Coffee? Is Coffee really not better when served hot? Chad shook his head, steering his concentration to not let Carl get into his head. Hoppe then eased through his steady wind up, released the ball from a three-quarters arm slot, and dropped a patented “Broken Zipper” just under the zone; it could not have missed by more than half a centimeter! Carl Coffee stood statuesque. “Oh my God! How could you take that!” Bobby Hoppe exclaimed from right field, with the sentiment echoed by members of both teams. “Take what?” Carl deadpanned. Chad’s jaw dropped on the mound. Down by two runs, Coffee really was trying to show him up out there!

Hoppe stopped playing around. He stiffened his delivery, started a hard slider up and in, which cut sharply, like a German army through France, drilling the upper-inside corner of the zone, and actually sent splinters flying. Chad just stared a cold stare from the mound; so effective it actually got cold in Death Valley for a second, until Carl came through with the quote that restored temperatures to normal: “Wow! I really shouldn’t try to play without contacts in! That pitch sounded amazing; wish I’d been able to see it!” Laughter mixed with the restored croaks from toads and wisps of dragonfly wings, and below it all you could hear the beginning murmur of a legend coming to life:

“and look who's coming up. All year long, they looked to him to light the fire. All year long, he answered the demand; until he was physically unable to see tonight with two bad eyes: the only thing, getting through Chad Hoppe. And with two out, you talk about a roll of the dice. This is it!”

Get into my Yard, III - The Westside Reservation

		Your Junk my Happy Zone
		by Brandon Corbett

When last we loitered on the land of others and littered it with lavish words it was at our southernmost field, Frenchtown Field in Monroe County. Today we stick with the "F," but flip the compass and travel to the most northern site to feature Wiffle in Southeast Michigan action: The Westside Reservation in Farmington. Carl and I were ecstatic when the Warriors announced mid-season that they were building a field, as that gave us fields in three counties! That is an impressive way to increase the size of your footprint.

The journey to getting the Westside Reservation built was not an easy one, however. The initial field location - a little league sized ballfield with a grass infield, benches, and a backstop - had to be abandoned due to conflicts with a home-owners association and painting lines on the field. Hey! Remember that "angry neighbors" stat from earlier this season? "Chalk" up a couple more for their mid-season resurgence! Never one to give up on his team or vision, Alex Shore, captain of the Warriors, had a back up plan ready to go no more than a day later it seemed. [Insert gag about Alex being quick at everything he does here.]

The second field location, the Reservation we all know and love (or hate), is located in the vacant back lot of a Church that is kind enough to let us park in their lot. According to Shore, the Church was excited that someone asked to do something with the land, as it usually just went used. The land itself is a hard, shallow clay surface with a slight roll in the infield, which makes for some interesting bounces on ground balls. While topography and ground conditions are unlikely to have been studied beforehand, this actually is something that plays into the Warriors aggressive style. Waiting back to field a ball can lead to mistakes, while charging in will limit the chances at the ball taking odd hops. Above ground the field is covered in fuller, nicer grass than other fields in the league. Note: I did not say longer. The Warriors do a good job making sure the field is cut into good playing condition before games. It is nice to have a playing surface that is not a putting green, like Frenchtown, a semi-arid savanna, like the Drey, or a jungle, like Lafayette.

One fault with the Reservation is a result of the hard ground. It is impossible to pound the stakes for the silt fence all the way into the ground, and there is a four to six inch gap left between the ground and bottom of the fence. When the first games were played ground-rule doubles were frequent. The problem was quickly rectified by instating a new ground rule: when the ball goes under the fence, the runners go back to the last base touched (excluding home-to-first, where the runner is given first). It is a fair solution that nullifies what would otherwise be an unavoidable, yet considerable problem with the field construction.

The fence is still the most talked about aspect of the Reservation. Although, with that ground rule in place, players are free to talk about the dimensions of the fence instead of how it sits. A topic much more baseball, and much more fun! The first build of the field had a fairly standard, elliptical outfield wall. However, with Shore being a lefty, so few other lefties in the league, and at least one team building their field to screw lefties, the Warriors redesigned the outfield wall to lefty-friendly accommodations. [Unfortunately, no pictures of the new dimensions are available.] There is a short-porch in right field approximately 60-65' down the line and running perpendicular through right-center, before jumping straight back to a deep center field estimated around 110', and coming around to a fairly average 85' down the left field line. Many opponents call bullshit on Shore's friendly confines, but hey, is that not why you build a home field? To have an advantage? To build to your strengths or opponents' weaknesses? As a righty who can only hit pull field and a fan of odd, extreme field design, I simultaneously bitch about the short porch because I cannot hit into it, and praise the clever creativity of the complete asymmetry and the huge leap in depth; my left brain hates it, my right brain cannot help but love it. The Reservation easily gets the award for "most off the wall wall!"

Every WSEM team but the DeLoppes made the trip to play at the Reservation this year. I cannot tell you how happy that makes me. I am proud of Shore and the Warriors for putting it together, and of the Commandos, Ass Kickers, Git r' Done guys, Mattseals, Squirrels, and most of all the Belgian Wiffles for making the trip. More than what happens on the field, this league and this game as a whole is about giving guys the opportunity to make something: a field they can be proud of, or just a memory of a once-in-a-lifetime experience taking the team bus to Farmington to swing plastic on wacky dimensions behind a church. "Once" because the Warriors will not be returning to WSEM next year, as their roster is heading off to college. So, even if the home field advantage of the Westside Reservation could not get the Warriors past the Ass Kickers in the first-round in 2011, hopefully, "hey, remember that summer we were in a Wiffleball League together and built that awesome/ridiculous/ridculously awesome field?" will be a question asked to spark conversation by the 2011 Westside Warriors years down the road.

Here is a montage thrown together by their captain for Westside's 2011 season:
(It includes a few shots we do not have from around the Reservation.)

Endorsements Everywhere!

		Your Junk my Happy Zone
		by Brandon Corbett

With Brian Meyers of the KWL this morning breaking the story of commissioner Carl Coffee changing his name to "Maxwell House" as part of a sponsorship deal with the coffee company, now seems like the right time to come clean with all of the corporate endorsements that WSEM players have sullied the game with... I mean, have successfully gotten involved with to become household names, snag a little padding for their wallets, and grow the WSEM brand with consumers nationwide. [Full disclosure: Nationwide Insurance paid us handsomely for that spot.] Adam Grant has never been more proud of this league!

Alex Linebrink
Ray-Ban

Alex purchased his first pair of red lenses when trying out for the part of Cyclops in a local theatre's production of X-men. He did not land the part, but damn did he look good in the shades! He parlayed the confidence gained while wearing them into a fulfilling improv career, as well as a five-figure (if you count decimal places) endorsement deal with Ray-Ban when they took notice of his on-field swagger. Rating: Total swag!

Matt Murtha
Rip It

What's your best course of action when you make an energy drink that tastes awful and only gets drank when people don't have the 3 quarters and a nickle more it takes to buy something better? You hire a class act to be your spokesman! That is what Rip It did when they brought in Matt Murtha on an undisclosed deal, and their sales have increased three-fold! Now, with nine people drinking Rip It regularly, the company is looking to diversify its product line with a daily supplements series called "M-Train!"
Rating: All aboard!

Alex Shore
Apple iPhone

Some endorsements just seem so natural; Alex Shore will go Generation Y on your ass! Really, what better way to do that than with an iPhone and with the legion of young, Facebook-updating, Twitter-raging fans you get from appearing in Apple ads? By far the most lucrative deal struck yet by a WSEM player: four-figures up front, with a $500 bonus for every leaked sext message to or from a fan, along with a free phone to match every outfit in his wardrobe. You can count on this kind of money being thrown around to really drive up Shore's stock in free agency this off-season.
Rating: Game changer!

Brian Constanti
Cool Flo Elbo

The partnership between Brian and the surgeons behind Cool Flo Elbo is of the most symbiotic kind: Brian is given free experimental surgery to revolution his pitching, and the results - the resurgence of his dominance on the mound - say all they need to for the product. Cool Flo is an "advancement by simplification" of the technique used in the Easy Flow Elbow, mostly famously adorned in the arms of Bruce Willis and Romulox of the La Brea Tarpits. The wide range of movement the surgery grants to the arm gives more speed and nasty, unpredictable movement on pitches. It is, however, difficult to master use of the new joint: many practice sessions at home in front of the computer are prescribed to help the process. Wiffleball is an experimental game, so experimental surgeries seem right at home.
Rating: Bitchin'!

In the Cards #6: Matt Murtha

In the Cards #6: Matt Murtha
Flying Squirrels

Matt "Murphy" Murtha, "the M-train," and we can probably add "Jim Morrison" and "Michael Jackson" to his list of nicknames while we're at it, has more than just killer pseudonyms going for him. For starters he is the perfect team player: able to play any position, including pitcher, and bat anywhere in the lineup for power or as a table setter. Similarly, his conversation skills are unparalleled, as there is no limit to walk Matt can and will talk about at length. Whether on or just around the field Murtha is one of those guys that brings out the fun in the game.

Long before he was the "M-train," we first met Matt when he tagged along with John Ferry of the Detroit Isotopes to play some pick up games in 2009. This was the first time we had run into other guys who already played the game, and thought this might be the start of wiffle taking off in SE Michigan. Turns out Ferry was a bit too much of a character to work with, but we kept in touch with Murtha. In our 2009 Rally Around the Flag-a-Palooza Matt played with David Buhr's Belgian Wiffles and, despite a tough outing for the team, kept coming back whenever we called him. His reliability and steady play paved the way for him joining the Squirrels in 2010, where he has played ever since.

Matt "Jim Morrison" Murtha's strongest asset on the field doesn't come in one category; it's not his bat, his arm, or his speed, rather a combination of everything. He is a captain's dream in that you can put him any position or slot in the order and he will be serviceable and give a solid performance; heck, he doesn't even care when you ask him to sit out. He may not make extravagant diving plays in the field, but he isn't going to misplay many balls either. As a pitcher his lethal trait is his accuracy: 51 K and just 14 BB in 30.1 IP, or a 3.64 K/BB ratio. He doesn't have huge movement or speed, but he rarely walks batters and forces them to swing at well located pitches for outs or swing through them with the cut he does have on his pitch.

Offensively "Murphy" possesses good pull field power, as well as the oft-overlooked ability to simply make solid contact. His numbers this season (3 HR, 9 2B, .219 AVG, .377 SLG) are lower than his performance really deserves. He does not get the weak, short infield singles that most other batters do. Everything off Matt's bat is hit hard and, unfortunately this season, often at someone, giving the defense the ability to make the play on him. Perhaps it is from his day (and night) job working the numbers at a lumber yard where Matt brings the big stick and burst of power off of his bat. Or is it that glove he wears when he bats?

One thing just about everyone who shares the field with Matt "Michael Jackson" Murtha notices is the batting or golf glove he usually wears at the plate. They notice, and they poke at it, but Murtha isn't phased by any of it. He can take it and wait for the perfect time to pay it back. The M-train is thick skinned. Not callused, although that is the prevailing thought as to why the glove helps him with a more comfortable grip. Still, the glove always rouses comments and questions from both the peanut gallery and opponents alike: "Why? What does it do?" ... "Wow! I've never seen that!" ... "Does it really help?" ... "What the hell? A batting glove?!" ... "What are you hiding under there?"

Maybe there is something to that last, seemingly joking probe. On various occasions the glove has shown that it has a life, and mind, of its own – its own will. Is it possible that the glove is one of the nicknames? Most likely “Murphy,” the one that goes back the longest. Maybe "Murphy" is not a nickname at all, rather some other Wiffle loving consciousness that has affixed itself to Murtha’s wrist just to get its Wiffle fix? You never know. Symbiotic nonsense could explain how Matt can go from that cool, confidently calm persona seen on the front of his card above to penis jokes and escapades of man love seconds later: aka, "Mmmm. The perfect sandwich." And there we go, another nickname!

His passion for playing the game, easy going attitude, timely mischief in the moment, along with the ability to engage and entertain any company in any context unequivocally makes Matt "Mmmm" Murtha the poster child for Wiffler's everywhere.

Matt's 2011 regular season stats and glove on the back of his card:

John "Going Down" Hill

		Your Junk my Happy Zone
		by Brandon Corbett

John Hill, the voice of WSEM, abandoned us for Texas earlier this season. As if leaving us without his magical vocal chords was not hard enough, we saw Mr. Hill (yes only "saw," as he would not grace us with even a passing fix of his angelic tenor) in London, OH this past weekend and it has come to our attention that he has gotten involved in far more despicable things. 1) He has started taking steroids! To his credit, and that of the manufacturer, they have done amazing work in a short period of time: bumping up a shirt size, at least three pant sizes, as well as a few hat sizes, which brings us to John's second Texas-driven indiscretion. 2) He is wearing baseball caps with a flat-brim! Intolerable, John Hill! Unless you are just going for ironic social commentary. Still this pales in comparison to the third, truly ultimate crime against everything decent. 3) John Hill joined the Yankees! The Yankees?!? How? Why? Is he being blackmailed? Has he been put in witness protection? Is Texas water that badly tainted?

Oh, John Hill, what has Texas done to you?

In the Cards #5: Shane Myers

In the Cards #5: Shane Myers
Westside Warriors

Shane Myers was thrust into Wiffle in Southeast Michigan as an emergency replacement for the Westside Warriors on May 14th. All he did in that performance was hit 2 HR, drive in 5 RBI, bat .600, and slug .867 to lead the Warrior's offensive charge on the day. Captain Alex Shore was quick to bump Shane up from substitute to a spot on the full time roster.

Since that time he has played in just four more games, although that number may be reduced on account of the forfeits two weeks ago. In those four games, though, he has done nothing but continue to bolster his numbers. His AVG is good enough for #3 in the league (.472), has tripled his RBI total from his first day (15), crossed the plate 12 times, and is at a .750 SLG%. Shane has also tacked on 13 BBs for good measure. In only one game has Myers had an OBP below .400, while he has posted that number above .700 three times. He is an offensive machine!

Still, his contributions slip largely under the radar. Even his captain, Shore, was shocked when he saw Myers' .472 avg near the top of the leader board. "What?! Shane Myers is third in hitting?," to paraphrase Alex's reaction. Shane's a quiet guy (at least around most of the league) on a loud team full of big numbers. So, it's not surprising that his efforts are overlooked. He shares a clubhouse with Maclin Malloy and all the chatter of his pitching dominance, Matt Whelan and his outstanding offensive numbers, and Alex Shore who... do we really need to same more? Really it is the perfect atmosphere for a player like Shane to thrive: the opponents concentrate on the rest of his roster, and before they know what's happened Myers has blown the game wide open. With the black uniforms that the Warriors wear he is already primed for the assassin's role.

Shane's 2011 stats (as of June 30th) to complete the card treatment:

Player	PA	AB	H	BB	HR	RS	AVG	OBP	SLG	RBI
Shane Myers	49	36	17	13	3	12	.472	.612	.750	15

Dressed to the Nines

		Your Junk my Happy Zone
		by Brandon Corbett

With Carl out of commission with strep, I figure I will try my hand at one of his Coffee Time rankings efforts. Then once it is done and after you have read it, you can wish even harder for his speedy recovery! In the last two weeks Carl has done top 5 pitchers and hitters lists, as well as power rankings. So, what does that leave us to rank? Best deliveries? Top 5 trip and falls? Best facial hair... and its impact on the game? How about just "best looks?"

If you have ever been to the Teams or the Standings pages, then you will notice we have a very colorful league: a wide-spread assortment of team colors. As far as this article is concerned I wish I could concentrate on teams' on-field looks, i.e. jerseys, but with only three teams having them (Squirrels, Warriors, and DeLoppes) that is next to impossible. So, take two: I will go with ranking teams' look and style as a whole. Jerseyed team will get top billing, and I will lead up to those by giving the rest love, or hate, based on their logos alone.

8. Git r' Done


I don't even know what this is. Obviously it's a face traveling blazingly fast with a backwards hat on, but is it a face on a wiffleball? Or just some mustachioed guy? A faced wiffleball could be a good nod to Dennis Pearson, if that is what it is. Really, it looks like a window or bumper sticker you see on early 90s half-rusted out trucks: not really an image that shouts "wiffle." Git r' Done also lose style points for the bulk of their roster wearing blue Carlson Marauders gear when they listed their team color as red in the beginning of the year. What is this? Amateur hour? (That's for you, Carl!)

7. Campus Commandos


Not a bad logo, per se, but the fact that is actually the company's logo hurts its rank. (No offense, Adam: I just hate "sponsorship" of teams. :P). I will give a nod to the coincidence that the Commandos use the jungle camouflage greens and play at a field nicknamed the Jungle. So, there are some style points thrown in for that!

6. Ass Kickers


To be fair, it is not really fair to rank or critique this logo. This is one of the logos made to temporarily fill in, but was never replaced with a submission from the team. Still, an ass kicking boot on a ball diamond isn't a terrible identity, just kind of... unimpressive overall. To improve on it there is also this more "amusing, wiffle attitude" alternate: boot prints wiffling an ass!

5. Jason Mattseals


This logo is just awesome. A seal balancing a wiffleball, about to swing a wiffle bat, in kelley green and royal blue: this is a "wiffle attitude" logo if there ever was one. Full disclosure: this logo is an altered California Golden Seals logo, but that doesn't take anything away from the amusement it provides. It also pretty much perfectly illustrates the on-field personality of the Mattseals.

4. Belgian Wiffles


What can I say? It's a waffle that's wiffled! With butter! Probably the best primary logo in the league: its simplicity is what makes this a home run. Funny story: it almost never got used. Okay, not a funny story... or even much of a story, really. Captain Buhr had commissioned a jersey and new logo back in March, but it was aborted, abandoned, never completed, etc. Now, though, we can all take solace in that even though the jerseys never made it to the field, at least this gem of a logo got to stay.

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Finally, uniformity!

3. Flying Squirrels


Simple, fun design that works well for a wiffleball team; anything but serious. Still, the 2011 jerseys are a step or two down from the 2010 design. The varsity block numbers on back lose the squirreliness of the old ones and just look generically bland. Also, the small number embedded in the chest logo was an immensely cool feature to lose. The acorns are a nice, whimsical touch, but don't make up the difference.

2. Wiffling DeLoppes


Home whites and road greys! How does a team with home and road sets not get the top spot? Simple. This is just not a good logo; especially for wiffleball. The logo switch made in mid-June looks like something you wake up with on a friend of a friends' floor after stumbling drunk into a tattoo parlor at 4am. I get that it is supposed to be reminiscent of the Tigers' old-English D, but it doesn't get the job done. A huge downgrade from the minimalist ball and bat they started the season with; "MMA/ghetto fabulous" does not work as a wiffleball look. The Squirrels have a superior logo design, but the multiple jerseys and their quality give the DeLoppes the push to beat them out. The simplicity of the jersey design is wonderful, and it is a huge relief that the colored side panels from early prototypes were left on the cutting room floor for the final design.

1. Westside Warriors

Great hockey style layout. The black and orange pops and stands out distinctively: the guys most often tend to match fairly uniform black shorts, too. Not even the random grey piping ruins the look, which is really surprising since I hate random piping and garish side panels (looking at you early 2011 DeLoppes white jerseys). The Native American's head logo is dignified and steady, not trying to be anything more than it is; it is a logo that just exudes confidence.

Well then, what have we learned about proper wiffle design? Obviously, trying to be more "badass" falls flat on its face. Humor and silliness tend to capture that "kid's game played in a backyard" atmosphere of the game. As always, there is also something to be given to understatement. The main thing I am coming away with, though, (and hope you do, too!) is that more teams need jerseys for next year!

In the Cards #4: Bobby Hoppe

In the Cards #4: Bobby Hoppe
Wiffling DeLoppes

Bobby's found his number! [ref.: see #3] The DeLoppes third and newest jersey style this year finally sees Bobby's rightful number 96 emblazoned across his back, bold in black. His number's not the only thing Bobby Hoppe has found this year, either: he's found his bat! In a big way.

Before this season it could not have been easy for Bobby scrapping in the shadows behind the likes of his brother Chad and Joey DeLano on the DeLoppes. Onlookers would often see only those two, associate the "DeL" and "oppes" to their last names, and only later realize there were "other Hoppes" on the team. This disrespect seems to have sent Bobby on a quest in the offseason to earn his face time and a prominent position on this team. He embarked with a supply of medicinal herbs, wearing his signature red Titleist cap, map in hand and pointed himself in the direction of "Wiffle Mecca," which conveniently followed a route featuring many Chinese buffets. He has never shown the map to anyone, and many believe he found other use for it while on the journey.

We can however safely assume a few things about what it contained. It almost certainly seldom made use of the letter 'K' or 'O.' Instead using 'R,' 'B,' and 'I,' as well as 'H' and 'R' in place of those. Numbers bigger than one must also have been included en masse: 2s and 3s specifically; unless Bobby just trained by ritually double or triple folding the map between the times he's rumored to have torn and rolled pieces of it. Lastly, not about the physical map itself, but he must have carried it in a long plastic container the same size, shape, and weight of a wiffle bat to allow Bobby to become so well acquainted with how to effectively use the real thing.

How far did Bobby trek to reach "Wiffle Mecca?" What did he find when he got there? Did he get ever get there, or is the idea of "Wiffle Mecca" just the drive for a player to make themself better and obtain that new level through their journeyman training? ... Shit. This is getting philosophical. There's no time for that in wiffleball... Unless a philosophy that works is what Bobby learned, a steady and centered consciousness on the field: see ball, smash ball, flash a confident smile, pick cigarette back up, and repeat. Wherever his journey took him, whatever was waiting for him at the end underneath the 'X': it worked. Bobby has come out in 2011 as a whole new ballplayer, playing a huge part in his team's success. He is ripping the ball harder, for better average, and coming through in clutch situations. He has found his bat, and damnit has he earned his number 96! So, with that, here are a few more numbers for Bobby:

Bobby's 2011 stats (as of June 16th) to complete the card treatment:

Player	PA	AB	H	BB	HR	RS	AVG	OBP	SLG	RBI
Bobby Hoppe	57	47	18	10	2	10	.383	.491	.617	19

Get out of my Dreams, Get into my Yard

		Your Junk my Happy Zone
		by Brandon Corbett

Before the season started I wrote about all the fun you can have and the interesting-to-weird things you can do with building your own wiffleball field. Four teams have already built and played on their home fields with a fifth opening this weekend and a sixth still possible. So, of course, this got me thinking about how reality matches up with those crazy dreams. I will start off with looking at two fields that debuted Opening Weekend and have hosted 16 of the 47 WSEM games so far this inaugural season, how they play, and what makes them special.

• Constanti Field - Brownstown, MI

First up, let's take the trip to Brownstown, MI and have a look at the grounds of Constanti Field. Constanti Field is nestled in an open space between backyards of a residential neighborhood built in the 90s, which was originally intended to be a park. This setting gives playing there an enclosed feel, somewhat reminiscent of Rangers Ballpark in Arlington, especially with the all the windows looking down on you from behind the outfield. Even greater, though, is the sense of being a kid again that it brings up: playing ball in backyards, making up the ground rules, the creativity, and the larger than life moments. The Sunday series hosted at Constanti Field take you back to that.

Brushing up against neighboring backyards makes the grounds quite scenic, as well. The trees and landscaping behind left field give batters a lot to aim for and measure home runs by. The white fence in right provides a nice asymmetry. This location does also create some limitations and criticisms of Constanti Field, however. The first is only an occasional, weather dependent issue. After heavy rains the field can turn into a mud pit with right-field even being underwater; making for wild, wet, and wobbly playing conditions. Obviously with the spring we had this was highlighted earlier in the year, and won Constanti Field the nickname "The Swamp."

The second criticism that comes up is that the fences in both right and left field are quite short, and players around the league have not held back in letting it be known that many home runs at Constanti are chip shots. Center field does get respectably deep, however, and has taken away home runs that would have left other yards. So, while Constanti Field does have Pesky Pole short-porch syndrome, the field does a fair job evening out in the vein of Petco Park overall. In my opinion the one thing the dimensions really change about the game is not the long ball, but the positioning of defenders. The short right field wall pretty much puts the right/right-center fielder in straight away center, due to having little room or need, aside from ground balls, to be positioned further right. Obviously, this makes for a tight defense to try to get a ball through in the right-handed pull field; even further balancing out the gifts of the short-porches.

Constanti Field is a nice place to play a series or two. I would not want to play all of my games there, but the enclosed backyard feel and sense of being a kid that you get while playing there is excellent, and that is really what wiffle is about. Definitely a good experience once or twice a season.

• Lafayette Park - Detroit, MI

Next up, we head downtown to Lafayette Park! This is, without a doubt, the most polarizing field in the league. There are huge issues that players have with the quality of field conditions. First up, let's go with a problem that has been fixed. On Opening Weekend Lafayette Park did not have enough fencing to complete its outfield wall, and used branches to complete the span in right field. Ugly: yes. Effective: not really. Disgraceful: yeah, pretty much. Since that time more silt fencing has been procured to render this quibble with Lafayette moot. However, the bigger (read," longer") problem with the grounds still exists.

Quite literally: the grass is long! This really falls on the location: a public park in the city of Detroit. A city with little resources really is not going to keep its open parks cut short, and even when they do mow Lafayette the grass is still longer than most. This feature has given Lafayette Park the nickname "The Jungle." While the problems players around the league have with the long playing surface vary from "eh, kind of annoying" to "this is a huge fucking problem," what the length really does is change the game play drastically! Obviously a slow playing surface, most ground balls that would cross the dead ball line elsewhere stay foul, and balls that would normally make it to the SS or LF stop short and make for tough plays. Sure, you could be mad about it, but really isn't that the point of home field advantage and building different fields? Different gimmicks? Different ways they play? It has burned me more than a couple times and I do not love the long grass, but I do not completely hate it either.



The third feature at Lafayette that causes contention, but I absolutely love, is the tree in left field! Its branches overhang into fair territory and the ground rule is that it is a live ball capable of being caught, plinko-ing back into fair territory or over the fence for a home run: essentially it is treated just like gusts of wind. I love it! It came up in a Westside Warriors vs. Campus Commandos game, and damn did the Warriors have the total opposite reaction of me when the tree knocked a grand slam over the fence. But hey, unique ground rules are awesome! They keep the game sensational and out of the box. Plus they allow for those perfect "wtf!?!?" moments that are as hilarious as they are puzzling. Much love for the tree and other anomalies!

Even the players that protest conditions or ground rules at Lafayette agree on one thing about this field. The location and scenery it provides are absolutely first rate! The field is half a mile east of I-375, and when viewed from down the right field line or behind the right field has Greektown Casino, the Renaissance Center, and the rest of the Detroit Skyline as a backdrop. A lot of teams have been hesitant to make the trip, but after playing down there were thrilled by the experience. Similarly, after seeing pictures from games teams have jumped up to excitedly set up their own games at Lafayette. It is a polarizing setting - not just between people, but sometimes within one person - but Lafayette Park is definitely one of the fields with the most personality, intrigue, and draw in WSEM.



Next time we will trek to our most northern and southern fields, as we take a look at the twice used and coming into its own Westside Reservation and the field that has been improved on each week while being the workhorse for WSEM so far this year, Frenchtown Field. Until then check out this field the Winston Salem Wiffleball League just recently debuted, and somebody get on finding a site like this!