Interviews with Your Co-Commissioners

		Captains Corner
		with David Buhr

Most of us have or have had dreams of making it big in some venue somewhere, whether it be sports, music, or television, we would like to have either the fame or the fortune, or both! Why? Because we're selfish, vain, egotistical human beings. As such, we also would love to have our story told by a famous journalist. Sure, I am neither famous nor am I wealthy, but I am here now to feed that egotistical nature, to ask questions about you, not just as a wiffleball player, but as a person as well.

Every couple of weeks I will be interviewing a player, starting with the captains of each team. The first to be interviewed are none other than your co-commissioners and co-captains of the Squirrels, Carl Coffee and Brandon Corbett.




Name: Carl Coffee Jr.
Birthdate: December 18, 1982
Height: Possibly 6 feet
Weight: I like food

1. What gave you the idea to start a Wiffleball League?

It was the only way I could get people to play with me. It's all here - http://wiffleinsemitheskinny.blogspot.com/2011/01/getting-wiffleball-in-palm-of-hand.html

2. How were you able to find people?

God Bless the Internet.

3. How did you come up with the name for your team?

Searched Minor League names, Flying Squirrels stood out.

4. What was your favorite sport growing up?

Baseball with Basketball a close 2nd

5. Favorite Hobby?

Throwing pennies away, SNES, claymation.

6. Were you ever given any cool or weird nicknames?

Triple C, Crazy Carl, Coff, Randy, Doug, The German Giraffe.

7. Ideally, where would you like to see WSEM in 5 years?

I hope it is in good hands. I have two years left in me to stay on as Commish, but hope to captain a team until my legs fall off. I also really hope we can be a top 5 league in the NWLA.

8. Have you ever had any unusual injuries?

You can't hurt me.

9. Since wiffleball is really a smaller scale baseball game, I'd like to ask you who is your favorite MLB player of all time?

90's- Cecil Fielder
00's- Pudge
10's- Cabrera

10. How do you feel about the trash talk that goes on in our league? Do you feel that it's good for the league? Or would you like it to be toned down some?

I hate when people get personal, i.e. making fun of someones appearance, grammar, etc. Trash talk in the field is awesome though!





Name: Brandon Reginald Barclay Corbett, Esq.
Birthdate: The near future
Height: Less than tall
Weight: 40 lb less than my license says

1. What gave you the idea to start a Wiffleball League?

I'm pretty sure I was hoodwinked into it... It wasn't so much wanting to start a Wiffleball league, but more just not wanting Carl to hurt himself. Having done it, though, I have to say the escapism and God-complex in crafting this surreal little nook of the world is pretty fantastic. Oh, and some of the guys are pretty classy dudes, too.

2. How were you able to find people?

It still amazes me that any people came out, and still come out. Early on it was a lot of high school friends, then slowly guys interested in Wiffle, like you and Chad, found us online; Carl's the one who has done almost all of the work when it comes to bringing in new people, but I do know that kidnapping has been very effective.

3. How did you come up with the name for your team?

Well, the London (OH) Tournament that got us started playing this game required teams to have MLB or MiLB team names, and Carl always brought the name back with him. First it was Lugnuts, then Jammers (Jamestown), and finally Flying Squirrels (Richmond). We always just looked for a silly kind of name for this silly kind of game. Squirrels seems to have stuck, though I am subtly trying to replace "Flying" with the abbreviated "F'ing" - you know, for class.

4. What was your favorite sport growing up?

Neighborhood-wide squirt gun fight / tag / capture the flag. More sportingly: lacrosse; nobody knew anything about it. It had mythical qualities.

5. Favorite Hobby?

Does making websites for silly things and going way over the top with them count as a hobby?

6. Were you ever given any cool or weird nicknames?

I wish. My compadres never got past the hockey nickname scheme: Corbs, Corby, etc. Want to bestow one on me now? ... Please?

7. Ideally, where would you like to see WSEM in 5 years?

Sixty strange guys in Chad's backyard having a barbecue. I'd be elated with that.

8. Have you ever had any unusual injuries?

I'm unbreakable, which is shocking since I hate milk.

9. Since wiffleball is really a smaller scale baseball game, I'd like to ask you who is your favorite MLB player of all time?

This is a hard one for me. I root more for the team than the guy in the jersey. I don't really care about the "old-timers" either; no personal investment in any of them. So, it comes down to guys who I just like (or liked) watching play. It has to be Rick "the Wild Thing" Vaughn.

10. How do you feel about the trash talk that goes on in our league? Do you feel that it's good for the league? Or would you like it to be toned down some?

As long as it is kept in a context related to the game it can be cool. Maybe throw in some "yo mama" jokes. When it spills over into personal lifestyle, means, etc. it becomes a problem. Two guys going back and forth ripping on each other's play or hair in the heat of the game can definitely add something to the competitive atmosphere. Obviously, not all sixty of us are going to be "tight bros," but we are all in this silly, little Wiffle community together. I'll steal GSWL's slogan, "a kid's game taken way too far," because I think it says it best; what we're doing out here really is reliving a childhood game and the excitement and fun that goes along with it by going over the top with things like a website, ridiculous articles and a podcast. None of us are world-beaters; we're going back to when baseball was larger than life for us, and we're trying our best to realize Wiffle in that larger than life way now.

In the Cards DOUBLE PACK #7 and #8

David Buhr Belgian Wiffles There are a lot of things you probably do not know about David Buhr. For instance, did you know that he is an editor here on The Skinny? [Ed. note: David did not get his hands on this one, though, since it is about him (or because I just remembered a few hours ago that these are four months overdue :P ). Sorry for the surprise, David!] Did you know he is the coach of a baseball team? That he is a soldier in the U.S. Army National Guard? How about that he plays piano and sings? One thing I am sure you do know about Mr. Buhr, however, is that he absolutely loves playing and being involved with this Wiffleball game. 2011 was rough for David's Belgian Wiffles. That is an understatement. A solid roster was stung by injuries before the season began, and was continually plagued by absence. His team will forever own one of the strangest records on the books: an entire season, 28 games, played without a full roster. I am sure David laughs it off, though; or at least smirks and shrugs about it. He likes bits of trivia like that, after all. Oh yeah, that reminds me: did you know that David is a go-to guy when it comes to baseball trivia? Well, now you do! Back on topic: being a trivial part of Wiffle history is surely something Buhr finds amusement in, the same way that he will be giddy to talk about Belgian Wiffles being the 2011 NWLA "Team Nickname of the Year." So, even in a year with fraught with hardship, the fun in Wiffle always shines through. In a similar spirit, as a player on the field David is all heart and fundamentals. It would have been easy for him to have given up, but Buhr never approached the game with anything less than a "happy to be out here playing ball" attitude. He led the Wiffles in AVG, SLG, and OBP, and had only one less double and home run with twenty-eight less at bats. That said, I am sure he cares less about personal stats than just wanting to see a more steady lineup improve on thirteen wins. Solid and smart defensively, Commissioner Coffee recently commented that David would be an excellent role player in any lineup. I will take it a step further and say that he makes an excellent captain, in that he will not give up on a game, a season, a player, an at bat, or a good experience. One last thing you probably do not know about Mr. Buhr: David will be interviewing players from around WSEM for his new feature on the website, Captain's Corner? Now that you know, get excited for that and prepare yourself for the random onslaught of questions coming your way!				Ryan Bullard Ass Kickers (Picked up by the Flying Squirrels for 2012) I am pretty sure baseball is not even one of Ryan's top five favorite games. Basketball is his number one, and he has the stature to make that perfectly fitting. Poker and beer pong probably take slots two and three, respectively. NFL football is leaps and bounds ahead of the MLB at gathering his interest, and he has certainly swung more tennis racquets in his life than baseball bats. Tacking onto that last statement: I bet he knows stats for Nadal or Federer off the top of his head better than Verlander or Cabrera. Yet Ryan has still been involved in WSEM/Downriver Wiffle since our resurrection in 2009, traveled to two London tournaments, and won a Diamond Digits award in our inaugural season. More than the sport itself what Ryan loves is the thrill of competition. So, whatever the game, he is going to get involved, give it his all, and make it tough for his opponents all day long. You might look at his offensive numbers quickly and underestimate what he brings to the game. Sure, those are not world-beater numbers, but they are not dismally ineffective either; not bad at all for someone who is not a baseball player by trade. Especially not when combined with the defense Ryan provides in the field: a combination of instincts, quick reactions, and range culminating in that aforementioned Diamond Digit award. The ground Bullard covers in the outfield, the catches he makes with his mitts-for-hands, and his ability to rob home runs at the wall can make a .239 batting average seem more like .280 to .300. Most impressively for Ryan in 2011 is that he learned to take walks! Having rarely ever walked in prior tournaments, Bullard took 30 walks this season to post a sexy .465 OBP. Care to apply the "his defense improves his offense by x" equation to that number? Giving you more opportunities to score, while taking more away from the opponent: that is an effective ballplayer. What is really important about the jump in number of walks is that it shows he is learning elements of the game, like patience and an eye at the plate. The natural progression from here should be that he finds a rhythm with his swing, which coupled with the power behind it would make him a very dangerous hitter. Heck, if we allowed one-handed swings, his tennis skills would probably mean we would have another DeLano on our hands already!

-
Brandon Corbett
Flying Squirrels - 17
Media Director, Fire Chief

Your Help Needed to Foil Criminal Plot!

		Your Junk my Happy Zone
		by Brandon Corbett

Later this week the WSEM Championship Trophy will pass from the possession of its creator into the hands of the WSEM front office. No more information about the time or route of the transfer can be made public, however, as multiple tips have trickled into the WSEM offices about a potential plot to steal the trophy before it is safely transported back to headquarters. Five people have been identified as suspects, and investigations into each are underway. Details in the case against each suspect can be found below. Authorities request any further information that will help identify and apprehend the mastermind behind this heinous, criminal plot be submitted through our tip line found in the right-hand column. Remember, you can make a difference.

Both Chad "Skippy" Hoppe and Joel "Bond Villain" Crozier were brought in for questioning by authorities after following up on your tips. Chad quickly spilled his guts, admitting to having been hired by Crozier to seize the trophy. He provided full details of his plan, dates and times the two met to discuss their arrangement, and even handed over a taped phone call between the two. Due to his help in the case, Chad has been sentenced only to allowing half-shirts and stripping down to one's boxers at Frenchtown Field in 2012. Crozier escaped soon after being taken into custody. He is rumored to have fled the country to his island lair in the Caribbean. The trophy is safe, however. So, remember, you have made a difference.

Chad "Skippy" Hoppe, aka "The Rubber Bandit"

Chad has been quiet this offseason. Too quiet you think? Even without knowing the route, Chad is located in the perfect position between Whiteford and Canton to intercept the transport. The DeLoppes have the numbers to cover multiple choke points and the resourcefulness to pull off the heist, as well as plenty of space to stash their score afterward. Chad has publicly stated that he feels the DeLoppes are the best team in WSEM and deserve the championship. We have to realize the threat of our benefactor, who has given so much to the league, resorting to piracy to claim something he thinks he is owed.

It is understood that the only means to counter an attack by Chad's crew is to be on high alert at all times and never hit the brakes; unless, of course, he is chasing close behind, in which case hit the brakes and he will fly right by.


Brian Wheeler, aka "Wheel Man"

We were surprised to get this tip. Brian runs the London Wiffleball Tournament in central Ohio, and has a long-standing relationship with Commissioner Coffee. The only motive we can deduce is that he learned of our early plan to name a tournament trophy the Wheeler Cup. Since we have nixed the plan to do so, he feels betrayed and wants to affix a picture of his face - or at least a wheel - to the trophy before returning it to us. That way we would always remember Brian Wheeler, the impact he had on our league and on our trophy.

All members of the transport team know to look out for Ohio plates and Cincinatti Reds apparel while avoiding KFC restaurants and Pepsi delivery trucks - both prime ambush points for Wheeler's crew.


Larry the Cable Guy, aka "Already an Alias"

Reportedly news of Git r' done being WSEM champions spread to the man who coined the phrase, and now he wants the honor of having the trophy for himself. That or maybe he is rehearsing a role for a movie about a haphazard attempt to steal a Wiffleball trophy; that plot seems about right for Larry, actually. Whether or not Larry actually has friends who are fast cars is the only real concern here. The only instruction given to the team is simply to do as they always do: just ignore him and keep driving if he shows up.


Joshua "War Games" Nagorski

Why would Nagorski aim to steal the trophy when he is already a member of the champion Git r' Done/Thunder Ducks team about to receive it in a few weeks? Simple. It makes for the perfect crime. Who would suspect a player who would be in possession of the trophy in a few weeks? Git r' Done won the preseason tournament, they won the pennant, they won the WSEM Championship... Who could fault them for growing an invincibility complex? What better way for Nagorski to cement his increased role with the Thunder Ducks in 2012 than to go for it all right away? The possibility also exists that this could be a play for power within the ranks of the Thunder Ducks.

The transport team has been briefed to be on the look out for flocks of ducks slowly crossing the road, and given noise cancelling headphones to deal with the involvement of thunderous noises if Nagorski is the one coming for the trophy.


Joel "Bond Villain" Crozier

I take back using "perfect" to describe Nagorski's plan. This is the perfect, over-the-top, completely unnecessary crime: create the trophy, hold onto it for a few weeks, set up the date to hand it over, hand it over, then immediately steal it back. Whether Joel intends to pull off the job himself or hire a team is unknown. Being one of the few people who knows the start point, he is in the best position to cut off the transport. It is also likely that he would implement a trap within the trophy to incapacitate the team during transport - it fits his creative idiom.

In order to protect the shipment without tipping off Crozier the team must proceed cautiously. Smiles and excitement at seeing the trophy first hand will likely not have to be faked, however, gloves must be worn before shaking hands or handling the trophy to avoid exposure to possible chemical agents. Any additional security volunteered by Joel is to be refused, and the transport will avoid any streets mentioned in directions given to them. The team is also instructed to plant bugs on Joel's person and around Poolside Park if presented the opportunity.

-
Brandon Corbett
Flying Squirrels - 17
Media Director, Rod Farva's Triumphant Return

Over/Under in the Eyes of Sir Nikolai

We get a different opinion on the make up of WSEM today with a countdown of the five most overrated and underrated players in the eyes of Sir Nikolai, Nick Braden, co-captain of the Thunder Duck squad. So, it is a champion's view from the top! I bet you think you already have an idea what his list might look like, but read on; you might be surprised once or twice.

Overs are listed over their respective numbers with the unders under. Get it? Also, player pictures link to their 2011 season stats in case you care to examine Nick's picks further.

	Starting out at number five on my overrated list is the man himself, Mr. Perfect Game, Chris Lewis. The only reason Chris makes this list is because of his tossing of the first ever WSEM perfect game, which put him in a high spot of the free agent market. On the plus side, he is now in a rotation with Dennis Pearson and Dylan Braden that may help him add a pitch or two to make him better, so he will no longer be on this list. If he adds another deadly weapon to his already stacked arsenal, he will throw another perfect game - mark my words.
5
	To start off the countdown of the most underrated players in the league I have to name my fellow Thunder Duck, Josh Roberts. Although people may think he is a complete and total jokester, he is not horrible. He has an absolutely amazing eye at the plate, which leads to a very high on base percentage (OBP) and more runs for the high powered Thunder Ducks offense. Once his fielding gets better he may become an everyday player for us.

	At overrated number four I have another Thunder Duck, Dylan Braden. He may be the second best hitter on the Thunder Ducks and part of the D&D Boys, but when he is bad he is ABSOLUTELY HORRIBLE. For example, in this year's playoffs he hit .106, even though he hit the home run to win the championship. Those are no stats to scoff at. Sorry, Dylan, I had to do it.
4
	At the fourth most underrated spot is Bobby Hoppe. He is a dominant force on the Deloppes in the shadows of Joey Delano, Nick Snow, and Chad Hoppe. He closes for the Deloppes, although, he should be converted into a starter due to him throwing fast and very accurately. Bobby fights at the plate every pitch to make sure he gets on base.

	Next up, Joe Seto of the newly formed Donkeys. Now, don't get me wrong, Seto is a very good player given the stats he put up this year, but he lacks a good game against a good team. Until he is able to put together good performances against the good teams, I will place him on the over-rated side.
3
	Just edging out his brother for the third underrated spot is B.J. Hoppe. B.J. was the only guy to get a hit off of Dennis in the championship, an excellent defender, and you have to remember he gives it his all on every pitch. I can see him being a force to be reckoned with this upcoming season.

	In the two hole is WWA "fireballer," Austin Bischoff. Bischoff, a.k.a. Brennan Boesch with a half a year of stats, had a Brennan Boesch type year. Once every team figures him out WWA is screwed, because their number one will be taken out of their hands and they basically have no number two. For those that think he is better, or just as good as Dennis Pearson, SHUT UP and do the league a favor. The kid can only pitch, not produce with a bat.
2
	In the two slot we have Jason Hewlett of the Mattseals. Before getting hurt Hewlett was putting up very good numbers on a very bad team: that is unheard of. [Ed. note: Is it really? Last year in the AL West alone you had Fister with the Mariners and Gonzalez with the A's.] Rumors say he has been practicing at work, wherever he works, which leads to the question where does he work to have the time to practice wiffleball? I would love to work wherever he works. If he can stay healthy this season, he will be a very powerful force. This could make the Mattseals a spoiler.

	To round out the countdown of my overrated players we have Mr. Chad Hoppe. Somehow the number one pitcher on the excellent Deloppes in front the one and only lefty, Cliff Comstock. Chad lacks speed, which makes his pitches easier to hit. He should be dropped to the number four on his team. When it comes to batting, if he does not walk it is an automatic out.
1
	Rounding out the under-rated players in the league I have my teammate Josh Nagorski. Gorski is the founder of the Thunder Ducks. This guy may step into Dylan's spot and become the second best hitter on the team. Good defensive abilities, speed, and his performance in the playoffs will make him a leader in batting average and a lead component for the Thunder Ducks to repeat the championship.

-
Nick Braden
Thunder Ducks - 23
KGB

PEBs, the MLB, and You!

		Your Junk my Happy Zone
		by Brandon Corbett

Nick Snow recently started the discussion about "construct(ing) a way to give the hitters an edge;" meaning we use larger barreled bats. Many leagues around the nation do this: Palisades, Golden Stick, and Tampa Bay Wiffleball - whose season should be just about ready to start - are some of the best examples. These leagues all use the larger barrels to give their batters a better chance and even up the play in their leagues. Quite literally performance enhancing bats. These leagues also allow scuffing; each pitcher meticulously carving personalized patterns into their own balls that boost the performance of their pitches. Quid pro quo. Over time hitters would gain an advantage, so rules changed to help pitchers; then pitchers began to dominate, so rules were amended to benefit batters, and so on.

"Performance enhancing bats," or PEBs, are a huge deal in Wiffleball circles. Their use is routinely debated with each side remaining certain that their way is correct. The Wiffler's Digest Magazine featured them as the cover story of their debut issue. Is Ryan Winfield right in his assertions that PEB users shell out hundreds of dollars only to take a game meant for childlike enthusiasm and fill it with scowls, disparaging remarks, and stepping on other players to elevate their own status? Do the replies in the inbox of the Second Edition from D. Morse and R. Ewald (and to a much lesser extent B. Kind) make a good point that yellow bats are useless when trying to hit at the highest level of fast pitch? It is probably important to note at this point that the bottom-tier pitchers in Palisades or GSWL are on par with Dennis Pearson and Austin Bischoff.

One thing any fan or player of Wiffle will, hopefully, agree on is that a lopsided game is a bad game. If pitchers completely dominate, then the game ends up boring. If pitchers cannot get a batter out, the big blasts may be fun for a minute, but soon it becomes old hat and tiresome to watch. So, what constitutes a fairly matched, "good game?" Why not go straight to the top? The MLB.

After talking with Snow and Commissioner Coffee, I was interested to see where exactly the numbers fell for our league. A quick glance showed that in 2011 WSEM had 26 batters, out of the 66 in the league, hit over .300. Looking a little deeper at only "everyday players" (14+ games played), only four hit below .200, while twelve hit above .280. Those numbers seemed to show that our batters were not so dominated by the pitchers after all. Still, that evidence was not concrete enough to make a statement. So, I dug up league averages for the MLB on www.baseball-reference.com and put them alongside ours. How do you think we lined up against the league we all grew up emulating?

Take a look:

On the batters' side, it is a clean sweep for WSEM. We hit better than the big leagues in each stat category! Wait, that is not really the point. Still a fun fact to tell your friends, though. The point is: the MLB is considered to be baseball played at its highest (read: "best") level. If our hitters were at a severe disadvantage that threatened to ruin the quality of the game, then you would expect us to fall far short of the MLB numbers.

Average (AVG) is the most obvious stat to look at, and a +.023 difference shows that as a league we hit very comparably to the MLB. Also, 35 WSEM players (53%) hit above the MLB average of .255, while 31 (47%) hit below that mark. Just about a perfect spread. A marginal difference of +.035 in Slugging percentage (SLG) shows that extra base hits come at a similar rate in WSEM as they do in the MLB, as well. On base percentage (OBP) is slightly inflated due to the greater number of walks in Wiffleball than baseball, but those extra bases mean another plus for our hitters. Looking at the numbers I think it is safe to say that our batters are not playing at an unfair disadvantage - just being challenged at a competitive level.

What about that challenge? How do WSEM pitchers match up against their MLB counterparts?

Remarkably well. WSEM pitchers show the same pattern of closely comparable numbers with the MLB that our batters did. The -0.11 advantage in earned run average (ERA) for our pitchers is so close it is beautiful. It is the aforementioned increase in walks that pushes our WHIP behind The Bigs, in what is the largest margin of difference of the six categories at +.064. The increase in Wiffleball strike-outs, though, brings the strike-out to walk ratio (K/BB) down to another so-close-it-is-beautiful -0.13 difference.

That last sentence is where the perceived "hitter's disadvantage" stems from; specifically, the increase in Wiffleball strike-outs. I get it. I feel you. Striking out does not make you feel good. Maybe it makes you feel silly, or even pissed off. It should not. Everyone strikes out, even Mr. .567, Joey Delano. The key point here is that, even with the Ks, we are still reaching base at the same level seen in the Major Leagues. Remember why the Wiffleball was created: so a twelve year old could throw a curve ball.

In addition to pitching being the reason behind the game, WSEM will already be featuring two new rules on the field next year that will assist the offensive numbers. First, the pitching rotation will limit aces to at most 14 games pitched; unless they only throw two innings, in which case you have three innings to get hits off someone else. Second, runners can now tag up from any base, allowing you more opportunities to maneuver into scoring situations. With those two rules providing a bump to already good offensive numbers I cannot see any reason to tell teams they need to spend hundreds of dollars on equipment for having fun in the backyard or park. In fact, I do not even see a need to take lesser action, such as moving the mound back to 48'. One day WSEM will probably face with the need to balance out the game for our hitters, but we are not there yet.

-
Brandon Corbett
Flying Squirrels - 17
Media Director, Research ANALyst

Counterpoint, "Re: The Balls"

by Alex Shore

Thanks for the touching article Michael, i would like to take this time to point out several FLAWS throughout your "touching piece".

Flaw 1:
After the playoff games in which you defeated us, i shook every player on your teams hand and congratulated them. Further more, As far as Kirk's " i wanna whoop your ass, cant handle my emotions" attitude, i apparently caught him on a bad day and he is very ...temperamental. This goes on the record as saying he is a loose cannon and can be mad at anyone at any given time. Lastly, did i mention why he was mad? Well, it was because i was talking fun trash with my teammates. TRASH TALK IS A PART OF BASEBALL! Hell, if the pro's went out on the diamond and complained about the trash talking they heard, they would want you to write them an article. If this league cant handle trash talk, we just change the name to the WWSEM (Similar to WNBA).

Flaw 2:
I am nothing of what you made me out to be in that article. Do you really think Joe Seto of all people would want some "arrogant" "Smarmy" and "immature" player to play for his team? i didn't think so. Not only is this article so poorly written, content wise and grammatically, it would take someone with little to none actual knowledge of the sport to write. You basically just listed two players that you don't like, with your own BS reasons for not liking them, and seized you opportunity to slander them by this article. This not only tears down the integrity of the league but also your integrity as a person. If you want to complain to someone get a therapist, not a blog.

Flaw 3:
I hope your other four articles aren't as sad and pathetic as this one. People want entertainment in an article, not the kind that you would hear at a meeting with an anger management adviser. Seriously, I hope you have the dignity to redeem yourself with at least one of these articles. This flaw touches upon my non-affability. How was I invited to London, voted to an all star team, and voted as a head figure of this league by the national website, if i was all of the interesting characteristics that you make me out to be. This shows how biased you really are and how false the information in this article really is.

With all this being said,

This article may be the worst piece of literature to cross my eyes. As far as this goes, Mike, take all your negative energy back to your nitty gritty softball diamonds.

Best Regards,
Alex Shore

The Balls: 1st Inning

[Mike Constanti takes center stage today debuting his column that is sure to get a reaction and generate some buzz around WSEM this offseason. Here is Mike with The Balls.]

INTRO:

What's up to all the Wiffle ball freaks out there? Mike Constanti here to give you all not only something to read about while taking a ..., but a trip to the underbelly of what is known as the WSEM. I'm gonna put out 5 articles over the offseason on what has been pissing me off, who deserves a reality check, and my annual run down of the bottom 5 teams and why they sucked! Kind of like Ken Burns baseball. Get it? 5 innings, 5 articles. If you get through the entire article pissed off, there will be a bonus article which I'll mention in the end. So, without further ado let's get it on!


Inning 1: Why do players believe their shit smells good?
What's that smell? It's everywhere. All teams got one. I sometimes get caught up in it. It's that odor that can make or break your game. It's that player who believes he's the shit. It smells like dandelions. No one can touch them. Oh, lord, "I am the shit" syndrome. To tell you the truth, nothing pisses me off more than when someone grandstands in front of the opposition (to the dismay of teammates), that he is gods gift to wiffleball, and everyone sucks and can eat a big fat one. Even though the player talking shit isn't that good, his team is getting their asses handed to them, or is in complete denial that you are good and he is just having an off day. In my opinion, I always believe you earn your stripes, get the respect you deserve by playing hard and let the stats speak for themselves. People just cannot come in and declare themselves to be the next Joey DeLano. The best players do not have to be outspoken. It takes a team to win in Wiffleball. As much of a beating the Ass Kickers took, I enjoyed playing with Bully, my brother, and Kirk. We didn't show off or talk shit. We know who we are and we didn't brag about it. I feel that the league is full of guys who need a quick reality check. I'm gonna give it to them. Here are my top three Dandelions of the sport that get on my damn nerves sometimes or all the time:

3.) Chris Lewis - It hurts me to put him on this list, because he is such a great guy. A lot of respect for him. The reason for Chris being here is that he has a mouth to go with that so called "intimidating" riser (not !). Great! He pitched in almost every game for Belgian last season. The part that irks me is that he brags about the amount of K'S he recorded and considers himself to be one of the elite pitchers of our game. Here is the reality check: granted I feel he is a top 10 pitcher. More towards number 10, though. He needs a better secondary pitch to make his riser more effective. It is mostly a go to pitch and everyone anticipates it. Three of my four homers came off that pitch. He may be the number-two man in the rotation for the Ducks, but I think he is the third best pitcher behind Pearson and Dylan Braden.

2.) Me - I am writing this article. Enough said.

1.) Alex Shore - This doesn't hurt me at all. In fact, he is the poster child for being full of shit. Nothing proves that to me more than the way his field looks, the smarmy arrogance, and lack of sportsmanship. I consider him the Rick Flair of our sport. He can wow and dazzle you with his speed and play on the field, but then he comes up to you and gives you a low blow from behind. His character shows when his team doesn't even want to play ball for him. That is sad. Talking shit ain't good when your team is getting their butts kicked. Example: Chris Kirk wanting to tear Alex and the Warriors' heads off after a poor sport attitude from him and his team after they got eliminated by the Ass Kickers in the playoffs. The worst part of all this is that Alex is an extremely talented player. He doesn't need a 65' right field wall or the shit talking. Top 5 player in the league. I don't know if it's immaturity or what. Hate to see what little respect he has go away because of his arrogance. I would take him on my team in a heart beat. That sucks. I hope that next season with the Donkeys he can straighten up and make them a huge contender for the title. He is in good hands with Joe Seto, but is it enough?

To end this topic, I feel that people should understand we play a game that we play growing up in the backyards, sandlots, or even the street you live on. There is no need for being full of shit and ruining this wonderful experience we have with the WSEM. It is for fun. Right?


Teams that sucked last season:
The Jason Mattseals

Great things happen to great people. I have a hard time believing that, because what Jason Matt went through last year is bullshit! His team struggled out the gate and it took them nearly two months to get in the win column. A lot of close games. The offense, aside from Jeff Biegas, was putrid to put it nicely. I think two or three guys were in the bottom five in offensive stats. Jason Hewlett got better as the season went on, but the team lacked a number-two starter. It is sad to see a team of good guys come out and make every game, just to get their butts kicked. They did make believers out of some people when they almost knocked out the champs, Git r' Done, in the playoffs. These guys have improved. They need a couple hitters and another pitcher to get there. Until then, it is batting practice for game days when scheduled to play the Mattseals.

That is it for Inning 1. Hope you guys liked this, but I don't expect you to. If you have any anger you would like to vent out, for our bonus section for the next article, fire away at my email, facebook post on my account or the league's, or give me a call and I will come out to drive Brian's truck on your front lawn. Top three complaints will make the article with a response from yours truly. In a couple weeks will be Inning 2: The art of ... Until next time Constanti out!

Team Tuesdays: Whiteford W.A.

[Today's guest columnist is Joel Crozier: assistant captain of Whiteford W.A., creator of the WSEM Championship Trophy, an all-around do anything for wiffleball kind of guy, and possibly future WSEM front-office material.]

When Austin Bischoff first appeared on the WSEM scene, he was just a seventeen-year-old kid filling in for the Flying Squirrels late in the regular season. Players began to take notice, however, when he took the mound against the Warriors and DeLoppes, and posted two complete game shutouts. He soon became the Squirrels’ ace; in the last two weeks of the regular season and the playoffs, he allowed only one run over 46 innings while striking out 120 batters. When the newly revived Squirrels nearly upset the DeLoppes in the second round of the playoffs, Austin Bischoff became a major topic of discussion: “This guy is up there with Dennis Pearson!” “Does Whiteford even exist?” “Hey Carl, you know if they’ve got any like him left on Craigslist? Or was it Ebay where you found him?”

However, Austin was no wiffleball newbie. Like Carl Coffee, Austin was actually the founder and commissioner of his own league: the Whiteford Wiffleball Association.

The origins of wiffle activity in Whiteford trace back to Austin’s elementary school years, when he and close friend Joel Crozier experimented with various bat-and-ball games. They moved from tennis ball baseball to blooper ball to a game called smallball. Unfortunately, because they often played one-on-one, these games didn’t work well when they got older and stronger. That’s when Austin discovered the ultimate one-on-one game: wiffleball.

From the moment the two boys, now in eighth grade, watched a well-thrown pitch break three feet on its way to the strike zone, they were hooked. They researched pitching methods, built a strike zone, bought bases and a home run fence, and began forming a league. They launched a web site and recruited players from their school to join.


Whiteford's roster for Beat It: Colin, Austin, Joel, Justin, and Evan.
Unfortunately, it soon became clear many of other kids didn’t have the same love for wiffleball. The league operated sporadically over the next few years, with only three players actually competing in more than a couple of games. Organized tournaments fell flat on two occasions. Although their games were always intensely competitive, and usually featured high quality pitching, Austin and Joel wanted to find some real competition against other people who enjoyed the game as much as they did. During their search, they discovered a league known as Downriver Wiffle.

Austin contacted the commissioner, Carl Coffee, and a wiffleball relationship was born. As Downriver Wiffle evolved into WSEM, Austin tried to form a team and enter a tournament in Monroe. After the Fourth of July tournament was canceled, Austin got a chance to play organized wiffleball anyway — for the Squirrels. You already know how that turned out.

In the second round of the playoffs, Joel went with Austin to see what the league was all about. He liked what he saw. After the tournament, he and Austin had a long conversation about forming a team for the next season. The first step, of course, would be to enter a team in the end-of-season Beat It tournament.

They contacted Justin Hughes, a leading hitter on Whiteford’s varsity baseball team, and Colin Lake, a superb fielder who could also smash a wiffleball. Austin’s little brother Evan rounded out the team at five players. After Joel and Austin made jerseys, the Whiteford Wiffleball Association was no longer a league — it was a team.

In a great day of wiffleball, the WWA gave Austin the perfect present on his birthday: the Beat It championship. Joel missed most of the tournament due to a fall baseball obligation; with the new rotation rule in effect, someone needed to step up. Justin, who had never pitched in a wiffleball game before, was a pleasant surprise, shutting down the DeLoppes in a crucial playoff game and pitching most of the championship game. When he got in a jam, Austin showed his managerial prowess and faith in Joel, who took the mound, managed to escape the inning, and closed out the tournament.


Plans for WWA's field expansion for the 2012 season.
The WWA has big plans for its first WSEM season. They recently unveiled plans for their home field (name to be determined). Preseason odds released by Brandon Corbett generously list the team as a favorite. Austin, officially named the WWA Captain, and Joel, Assistant to the Captain and Head Publicist, plan to have a pool of players to draw upon throughout the season. They also want to utilize a full pitching rotation throughout the regular season (Austin, Joel, Evan, Justin, Colin, …?) for added versatility in the playoffs. Most of all, they are excited to be playing the game they love with others who are as enthusiastic about it as they are.

What to watch for:

• Bitter rivalries against the Squirrels (Austin’s a traitor!) and Thunder Ducks (think battle for the Clown Shu).
• Possibility of lighter, cooler alternate jerseys
• Closing of League Lineup site, opening of new team site
• Updates on field construction
• Promo vid!
• Video recaps/highlights of games

A New Kind of Legend

		Your Junk my Happy Zone
		by Brandon Corbett

During Saturday’s 3-2 series win by the DeLoppes over the Squirrels the members of WSEM present were met with a moment of transcendence, one which fell just short of magic. Following twenty-three shutout innings pitched by Cliff Comstock and Austin Bischoff, the stars began to align after BJ Hoppe’s two-run home run in the bottom of the first inning put the DeLoppes ahead in the deciding game of the series. One by one the dragonflies broke their flutter and set down on bat knobs, back stops, and the sporadic taller blades of grass missed by the grounds crew. The gaggle of young toads, which had hopped around the field more often that day than Austin Bischoff kicked out bases on hard slides, now stood at attention. Friends, they felt that something big was about to happen.

Carl Coffee cast his eyes over the field, squinted, took a deep breath, cocked his bat, and stepped up to the plate for the Squirrels. A missile from the right hand of Chad Hoppe followed, passing mere inches from Carl’s head. The peanut gallery shouted oohs, aahs, and one distinct hell yeah! baby! The ball came to rest on the other side of the drainage ditch twenty yards away. Carl gave no reaction.


He then waved his bat in front of his hips, and unfurled two ponderous questions in succession: “you gonna throw the ball? You scared?” Chad stood perplexed, a hundred thoughts running through his head: was Carl taunting the veteran pitcher? Was the blistering sun getting to Coffee? Is Coffee really not better when served hot? Chad shook his head, steering his concentration to not let Carl get into his head. Hoppe then eased through his steady wind up, released the ball from a three-quarters arm slot, and dropped a patented “Broken Zipper” just under the zone; it could not have missed by more than half a centimeter! Carl Coffee stood statuesque. “Oh my God! How could you take that!” Bobby Hoppe exclaimed from right field, with the sentiment echoed by members of both teams. “Take what?” Carl deadpanned. Chad’s jaw dropped on the mound. Down by two runs, Coffee really was trying to show him up out there!

Hoppe stopped playing around. He stiffened his delivery, started a hard slider up and in, which cut sharply, like a German army through France, drilling the upper-inside corner of the zone, and actually sent splinters flying. Chad just stared a cold stare from the mound; so effective it actually got cold in Death Valley for a second, until Carl came through with the quote that restored temperatures to normal: “Wow! I really shouldn’t try to play without contacts in! That pitch sounded amazing; wish I’d been able to see it!” Laughter mixed with the restored croaks from toads and wisps of dragonfly wings, and below it all you could hear the beginning murmur of a legend coming to life:

“and look who's coming up. All year long, they looked to him to light the fire. All year long, he answered the demand; until he was physically unable to see tonight with two bad eyes: the only thing, getting through Chad Hoppe. And with two out, you talk about a roll of the dice. This is it!”

Get into my Yard, III - The Westside Reservation

		Your Junk my Happy Zone
		by Brandon Corbett

When last we loitered on the land of others and littered it with lavish words it was at our southernmost field, Frenchtown Field in Monroe County. Today we stick with the "F," but flip the compass and travel to the most northern site to feature Wiffle in Southeast Michigan action: The Westside Reservation in Farmington. Carl and I were ecstatic when the Warriors announced mid-season that they were building a field, as that gave us fields in three counties! That is an impressive way to increase the size of your footprint.

The journey to getting the Westside Reservation built was not an easy one, however. The initial field location - a little league sized ballfield with a grass infield, benches, and a backstop - had to be abandoned due to conflicts with a home-owners association and painting lines on the field. Hey! Remember that "angry neighbors" stat from earlier this season? "Chalk" up a couple more for their mid-season resurgence! Never one to give up on his team or vision, Alex Shore, captain of the Warriors, had a back up plan ready to go no more than a day later it seemed. [Insert gag about Alex being quick at everything he does here.]

The second field location, the Reservation we all know and love (or hate), is located in the vacant back lot of a Church that is kind enough to let us park in their lot. According to Shore, the Church was excited that someone asked to do something with the land, as it usually just went used. The land itself is a hard, shallow clay surface with a slight roll in the infield, which makes for some interesting bounces on ground balls. While topography and ground conditions are unlikely to have been studied beforehand, this actually is something that plays into the Warriors aggressive style. Waiting back to field a ball can lead to mistakes, while charging in will limit the chances at the ball taking odd hops. Above ground the field is covered in fuller, nicer grass than other fields in the league. Note: I did not say longer. The Warriors do a good job making sure the field is cut into good playing condition before games. It is nice to have a playing surface that is not a putting green, like Frenchtown, a semi-arid savanna, like the Drey, or a jungle, like Lafayette.

One fault with the Reservation is a result of the hard ground. It is impossible to pound the stakes for the silt fence all the way into the ground, and there is a four to six inch gap left between the ground and bottom of the fence. When the first games were played ground-rule doubles were frequent. The problem was quickly rectified by instating a new ground rule: when the ball goes under the fence, the runners go back to the last base touched (excluding home-to-first, where the runner is given first). It is a fair solution that nullifies what would otherwise be an unavoidable, yet considerable problem with the field construction.

The fence is still the most talked about aspect of the Reservation. Although, with that ground rule in place, players are free to talk about the dimensions of the fence instead of how it sits. A topic much more baseball, and much more fun! The first build of the field had a fairly standard, elliptical outfield wall. However, with Shore being a lefty, so few other lefties in the league, and at least one team building their field to screw lefties, the Warriors redesigned the outfield wall to lefty-friendly accommodations. [Unfortunately, no pictures of the new dimensions are available.] There is a short-porch in right field approximately 60-65' down the line and running perpendicular through right-center, before jumping straight back to a deep center field estimated around 110', and coming around to a fairly average 85' down the left field line. Many opponents call bullshit on Shore's friendly confines, but hey, is that not why you build a home field? To have an advantage? To build to your strengths or opponents' weaknesses? As a righty who can only hit pull field and a fan of odd, extreme field design, I simultaneously bitch about the short porch because I cannot hit into it, and praise the clever creativity of the complete asymmetry and the huge leap in depth; my left brain hates it, my right brain cannot help but love it. The Reservation easily gets the award for "most off the wall wall!"

Every WSEM team but the DeLoppes made the trip to play at the Reservation this year. I cannot tell you how happy that makes me. I am proud of Shore and the Warriors for putting it together, and of the Commandos, Ass Kickers, Git r' Done guys, Mattseals, Squirrels, and most of all the Belgian Wiffles for making the trip. More than what happens on the field, this league and this game as a whole is about giving guys the opportunity to make something: a field they can be proud of, or just a memory of a once-in-a-lifetime experience taking the team bus to Farmington to swing plastic on wacky dimensions behind a church. "Once" because the Warriors will not be returning to WSEM next year, as their roster is heading off to college. So, even if the home field advantage of the Westside Reservation could not get the Warriors past the Ass Kickers in the first-round in 2011, hopefully, "hey, remember that summer we were in a Wiffleball League together and built that awesome/ridiculous/ridculously awesome field?" will be a question asked to spark conversation by the 2011 Westside Warriors years down the road.

Here is a montage thrown together by their captain for Westside's 2011 season:
(It includes a few shots we do not have from around the Reservation.)

Endorsements Everywhere!

		Your Junk my Happy Zone
		by Brandon Corbett

With Brian Meyers of the KWL this morning breaking the story of commissioner Carl Coffee changing his name to "Maxwell House" as part of a sponsorship deal with the coffee company, now seems like the right time to come clean with all of the corporate endorsements that WSEM players have sullied the game with... I mean, have successfully gotten involved with to become household names, snag a little padding for their wallets, and grow the WSEM brand with consumers nationwide. [Full disclosure: Nationwide Insurance paid us handsomely for that spot.] Adam Grant has never been more proud of this league!

Alex Linebrink
Ray-Ban

Alex purchased his first pair of red lenses when trying out for the part of Cyclops in a local theatre's production of X-men. He did not land the part, but damn did he look good in the shades! He parlayed the confidence gained while wearing them into a fulfilling improv career, as well as a five-figure (if you count decimal places) endorsement deal with Ray-Ban when they took notice of his on-field swagger. Rating: Total swag!

Matt Murtha
Rip It

What's your best course of action when you make an energy drink that tastes awful and only gets drank when people don't have the 3 quarters and a nickle more it takes to buy something better? You hire a class act to be your spokesman! That is what Rip It did when they brought in Matt Murtha on an undisclosed deal, and their sales have increased three-fold! Now, with nine people drinking Rip It regularly, the company is looking to diversify its product line with a daily supplements series called "M-Train!"
Rating: All aboard!

Alex Shore
Apple iPhone

Some endorsements just seem so natural; Alex Shore will go Generation Y on your ass! Really, what better way to do that than with an iPhone and with the legion of young, Facebook-updating, Twitter-raging fans you get from appearing in Apple ads? By far the most lucrative deal struck yet by a WSEM player: four-figures up front, with a $500 bonus for every leaked sext message to or from a fan, along with a free phone to match every outfit in his wardrobe. You can count on this kind of money being thrown around to really drive up Shore's stock in free agency this off-season.
Rating: Game changer!

Brian Constanti
Cool Flo Elbo

The partnership between Brian and the surgeons behind Cool Flo Elbo is of the most symbiotic kind: Brian is given free experimental surgery to revolution his pitching, and the results - the resurgence of his dominance on the mound - say all they need to for the product. Cool Flo is an "advancement by simplification" of the technique used in the Easy Flow Elbow, mostly famously adorned in the arms of Bruce Willis and Romulox of the La Brea Tarpits. The wide range of movement the surgery grants to the arm gives more speed and nasty, unpredictable movement on pitches. It is, however, difficult to master use of the new joint: many practice sessions at home in front of the computer are prescribed to help the process. Wiffleball is an experimental game, so experimental surgeries seem right at home.
Rating: Bitchin'!

In the Cards #6: Matt Murtha

In the Cards #6: Matt Murtha
Flying Squirrels

Matt "Murphy" Murtha, "the M-train," and we can probably add "Jim Morrison" and "Michael Jackson" to his list of nicknames while we're at it, has more than just killer pseudonyms going for him. For starters he is the perfect team player: able to play any position, including pitcher, and bat anywhere in the lineup for power or as a table setter. Similarly, his conversation skills are unparalleled, as there is no limit to walk Matt can and will talk about at length. Whether on or just around the field Murtha is one of those guys that brings out the fun in the game.

Long before he was the "M-train," we first met Matt when he tagged along with John Ferry of the Detroit Isotopes to play some pick up games in 2009. This was the first time we had run into other guys who already played the game, and thought this might be the start of wiffle taking off in SE Michigan. Turns out Ferry was a bit too much of a character to work with, but we kept in touch with Murtha. In our 2009 Rally Around the Flag-a-Palooza Matt played with David Buhr's Belgian Wiffles and, despite a tough outing for the team, kept coming back whenever we called him. His reliability and steady play paved the way for him joining the Squirrels in 2010, where he has played ever since.

Matt "Jim Morrison" Murtha's strongest asset on the field doesn't come in one category; it's not his bat, his arm, or his speed, rather a combination of everything. He is a captain's dream in that you can put him any position or slot in the order and he will be serviceable and give a solid performance; heck, he doesn't even care when you ask him to sit out. He may not make extravagant diving plays in the field, but he isn't going to misplay many balls either. As a pitcher his lethal trait is his accuracy: 51 K and just 14 BB in 30.1 IP, or a 3.64 K/BB ratio. He doesn't have huge movement or speed, but he rarely walks batters and forces them to swing at well located pitches for outs or swing through them with the cut he does have on his pitch.

Offensively "Murphy" possesses good pull field power, as well as the oft-overlooked ability to simply make solid contact. His numbers this season (3 HR, 9 2B, .219 AVG, .377 SLG) are lower than his performance really deserves. He does not get the weak, short infield singles that most other batters do. Everything off Matt's bat is hit hard and, unfortunately this season, often at someone, giving the defense the ability to make the play on him. Perhaps it is from his day (and night) job working the numbers at a lumber yard where Matt brings the big stick and burst of power off of his bat. Or is it that glove he wears when he bats?

One thing just about everyone who shares the field with Matt "Michael Jackson" Murtha notices is the batting or golf glove he usually wears at the plate. They notice, and they poke at it, but Murtha isn't phased by any of it. He can take it and wait for the perfect time to pay it back. The M-train is thick skinned. Not callused, although that is the prevailing thought as to why the glove helps him with a more comfortable grip. Still, the glove always rouses comments and questions from both the peanut gallery and opponents alike: "Why? What does it do?" ... "Wow! I've never seen that!" ... "Does it really help?" ... "What the hell? A batting glove?!" ... "What are you hiding under there?"

Maybe there is something to that last, seemingly joking probe. On various occasions the glove has shown that it has a life, and mind, of its own – its own will. Is it possible that the glove is one of the nicknames? Most likely “Murphy,” the one that goes back the longest. Maybe "Murphy" is not a nickname at all, rather some other Wiffle loving consciousness that has affixed itself to Murtha’s wrist just to get its Wiffle fix? You never know. Symbiotic nonsense could explain how Matt can go from that cool, confidently calm persona seen on the front of his card above to penis jokes and escapades of man love seconds later: aka, "Mmmm. The perfect sandwich." And there we go, another nickname!

His passion for playing the game, easy going attitude, timely mischief in the moment, along with the ability to engage and entertain any company in any context unequivocally makes Matt "Mmmm" Murtha the poster child for Wiffler's everywhere.

Matt's 2011 regular season stats and glove on the back of his card:

John "Going Down" Hill

		Your Junk my Happy Zone
		by Brandon Corbett

John Hill, the voice of WSEM, abandoned us for Texas earlier this season. As if leaving us without his magical vocal chords was not hard enough, we saw Mr. Hill (yes only "saw," as he would not grace us with even a passing fix of his angelic tenor) in London, OH this past weekend and it has come to our attention that he has gotten involved in far more despicable things. 1) He has started taking steroids! To his credit, and that of the manufacturer, they have done amazing work in a short period of time: bumping up a shirt size, at least three pant sizes, as well as a few hat sizes, which brings us to John's second Texas-driven indiscretion. 2) He is wearing baseball caps with a flat-brim! Intolerable, John Hill! Unless you are just going for ironic social commentary. Still this pales in comparison to the third, truly ultimate crime against everything decent. 3) John Hill joined the Yankees! The Yankees?!? How? Why? Is he being blackmailed? Has he been put in witness protection? Is Texas water that badly tainted?

Oh, John Hill, what has Texas done to you?